fallout

 Have you ever *really* screwed up? I mean, the kind of screw up that’s life changing and you have no way of getting around the fact. I have. And here’s the truth, it really didn’t feel like screwing up, it felt like heaven.

Tricky thing about being bad feeling so good. What is this, like, my 6th private entry in a row? The non-sex that I had with my non-husband last night was amaaaaazzzzing. It was really just heavy foreplay with a touch of torturous teasing. Lots of teasing. I’m not even sure I managed to come because if I did I just snapped instantly back into crazy horny mode. I’m just saying….amaaaazzzzing.

Unfortunately, it came with a price tag. Either my marriage or my almost-lover has to go. I wish I were being melodramatic, but it’s very true. My world will fall apart, and even if I try to put it back together, I may not like what it looks like afterwards.

Let’s back up.

I may have had this small, somewhat significant craving for one of my husband’s best friends. I may have been fantasizing about this guy for oh….let’s just say 2 years or so. He’s gorgeous of course, and the most charming man I’ve ever known. Could sell ice to eskimos and make a fortune, but instead he lives in small town Texas and works in restaurants – which, of course, is how we got to know each other so well.

I’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to hook him up with any and all of my girlfriends for years now. I think that this was purely a device to put him off limits in my brain. Nevermind the fact that I’m married and my husband is one of his best friends…*that* should have been about the time he went off-limits, but I was looking to double my insurance against pursuing him. Anyway, he was never interested. He’s had a couple long term relationships with women (since I’ve known him) that were about the most unhealthy relationships I’ve ever seen. I’ve always wanted better for him.

Anyway, we stopped working together about a year ago, and have seen each other purely socially since. Because social=drinking, we’ve been together plenty of times when judgement has gone out the window entirely, but the farthest we’ve ever pushed our boundries was hand-holding.

I care about him, but apparently not enough to stop myself from wrecking his friendship with me and with my husband. Nevermind wrecking my own marriage