another private entry.
I woke up this morning to my husband trying to make love to me. It should have been good – I was even coming off of a dream where I was having fantastic sex – but instead it just highlighted all of the things I hate about having sex with my husband.
It’s not always bad. 1 out of 5 times I actually get really into it and have a fantastic time, maybe even 2 out of 5 times. But we have some serious issues. I hate him touching me (or really any kind of foreplay) – it just fucks with my brain and makes me push him away. I’m not attracted to him, in fact this morning i was even nauseous like I was going to throw up (but I couldn’t tell him because he would take it personally). The lack of attraction keeps me from being involved really at all and means I’m basically just letting him use me for his needs.
It’s really terrible. Especially coming off a dream where I, as a single girl, run into an ex on a lonely Christmas and talk and laugh and reminisce for hours before having a-mazing sex, all in the frame of mind that I know it’s a bad idea and we wouldn’t last if we were together again. It was very real. And I can’t believe my brain would rather be single and searching out the company of an ill-fitting ex-boyfriend over my current life.