no one tells you

 No one tells you that being married feels more like an end than a beginning. A piece of my life, one that I understood and was in control of, is gone. I don’t get to speculate about what the guy across the room would be like in bed, or even in conversation. It’s a waste of time, there’s no end game to the little banter that I do sometimes get, and it fizzles out quickly. It’s depressing. It’s beyond depressing – I’ve spent the better part of the day being pissed off about it.

I’m not sure why today I happened to notice the feeling and wallow in it, while most days I spend dreamily planning paint colors and decorations for the new house. What makes today different? Why care? Why not let it go? So much easier to let it go, to not think of it, to not feel like it’s all been lost. I’m supposed to be excited – I’m young, and in love, we’ve just bought a house, we’ll be planning for babies soon. All of those hopes and plans just feel like glorified distractions today. Like I’m trying to escape the truth. That I’ve traded freedom and dreams and romance for stability and security. That I’m bored out of my mind. That I can’t see our relationship ever being intriguing and sexy and exciting again. That all that is over.