sick to the stomach

as i’ve told my husband: i don’t think i even have the skills to cope with this.

turns out that john was blacked out on monday night. he remembers very little – he can identify that we were at dave and busters at 3 seperate moments, but has no memory beyond that.

how do you hold someone accountable for something they don’t even remember doing? he embarrassed us in front of every single one of our friends. he molested and/or talked dirty to every female friend i have, and i’m pretty sure the things he said to his guy friends weren’t very nice either. he got in a fight with steven, he jeopardized all of us by making me tackle him to keep him from interfering with our designated driver.

what’s worse though: that he did all that or that i didn’t stop him? 

i’m not saying i didn’t try to stop him, because i did, but when it didn’t work, i just let him go on with what he was doing. there’s no one that we are close to that wasn’t affected by it. i don’t even know who to talk to. i can’t talk to john, because my brain can’t wrap around the conversation. i wasn’t even the one who told him what happened. my friend delana told him, because he was walking around work like everything was normal and everyone wasn’t upset with him – but of course they were upset with him, and delana was the only person with the balls to tell him he needed to apologize to them, at which point he discovered what happened.

i totally let him go back to work blind. i didn’t know that he was blind, but i did it just the same. i was so uncomfortable and self-absorbedly miserable that i assumed that us not talking about it was a mutual decision to avoid the shittiest conversation in the world – it never crossed my mind that he didn’t know what had happened. 

so i didn’t have his back at the party, and then to top that off, i didn’t have his back when we got home, and i let him go back to all of his friends not knowing what had happened.

wtf is wrong with me?

did i really believe that the monster that was walking around that party was my real husband?

and now…i can’t talk to him. he wants to talk, needs to talk, and i don’t want to say a word. i don’t even know what i’m feeling, other than feeling sick. my stomach is constantly aching. i’ll eat and feel better for a minute, and then it’ll come back. 

i can’t talk to my friends about it. i want to, but i can’t picture any kind of positive outcome coming from it. i mean, hello, they’ve already had to deal with the madness, how is it okay for me to go to them to bitch about it?

john said that at least now its absolutely clear that he can’t drink anymore, that there is on gray area. and he’s right. but the thing is, this isn’t the first or even the second time i’ve heard that from him. he has no self-control. he has never sucessfully kicked any one of his bad habits. he can’t stop drinking, smoking, or doing drugs. when he does try to stop drinking, he loses his friendships, which just makes him want to drink more. i’ve watched it. the thing is, his friends don’t have the problem he has. his friends don’t have the dad that he has. maybe he has to give up his friendships for this to work, but how do you get through shit like this without friends as a support system? 

i just don’t fucking know. i don’t want to talk to him, and i don’t know who i can talk to. and writing this shit down isn’t helping me today at all.