argh

I have *never* wanted my husband to leave the house as badly as I did today!!! 

"what did he do?" you ask?

absolutely nothing. at least not today. or yesterday. the day before that though, was his birthday party. he hated me that night and it couldn’t have been more obvious to me or our friends. he was practically molesting every girl that came with us, and was insanely drunk and stumbling around. seriously super attractive.

but, the honest truth is I just needed time alone after what happened that night. yeah, this entry just earned "private" status. i put april in the shotgun seat so i could sit in back with john and keep his hands off of april and our designated driver. [matthew] was also in the back, but when i finally managed to get john in the vehicle with us, he changes his mind, jumps out, and runs over to carson’s truck to jump on top of delana in the shotgun seat. i just…i just let him go. chasing him wouldn’t have been fun, and it wasn’t going to be a big detour to pick him up in salado on the way back home. 

so we get seperated from the other vehicle on the way back and decide to stop at a gas station so i can pee. ordinary shit, right? except all the way to the gas station, [matthew] was holding my hand. and, obviously, i was holding it back. 

there could have been a dozen reasons on both our parts for the hand holding. he could have been trying to comfort me, since my husband was obviously being an ass, and certainly, i did feel comforted. but i felt the length of time go far longer than was appropriate. i remember letting go, and putting his hand on my leg, and putting my hand on top…he still left it there.

whew….i don’t know. in the big scheme of things…*not* a very big deal. but…

i don’t even know where to go from there. so the rest of the trip home i talked to anna (dd) while april is passed out in the shotgun seat and [matthew] mostly just listens. my shoes came off at some point (high heeled booties that i had been wearing for hours, so no surprise there). i didn’t really get into any conversations with [matthew] again, although we started texting back and forth.

side note, lately, when [matthew] and i text back and forth, i tell him i love him. not serious-like, but just…i don’t know. i do it with my girlfriends sometimes too, mostly because it feels right, and is more personal than other forms of good bye (like see ya later, bye, ttyl, etc).

so anyway, i’ve deleted the texts since then, but basically he texted me "love you" or something along those lines, and i texted it back to him, and then he texted me "show me don’t tell me." i got all flustered and giggly and started to type but he said "no, don’t respond" and i went back to talking to anna.

we got to the restaurant and waited about 10 minutes for carson’s truck to get there. while we were waiting (or maybe it was just before we got there), my bare feet (well they were in socks) were in [matthew]’s lap, and he was holding them. i just…don’t know what to say or think about it. he and i are good friends. i’m constantly trying to convince my girl friends to go after him, since he’s a huge catch. he’s definitely a lady’s man, and it could be that stuff like that is nothing to him, and that he didn’t feel like he was crossing a line, and obviously, if i felt a line was crossed, i wasn’t letting him know. 

then carson pulled up, we tackled john into the vehicle, i was stuck in the middle of [matthew] and john, having to constantly tackle my husband to keep him from messing with our dd and april (apparently 40 minutes had not calmed down that urge). april woke up, we made it home safely, and everyone moved their cars around so anna could go home.

april decided to stay for a few hours to sober up, and [matthew] was going to leave, but didn’t leave immediately. i think he meant to, but maybe john or i stopped him. i can’t remember. i took april upstairs to get some pj’s, and i changed too and washed my face before going back downstairs. i kept my bra on and just wore a t-shirt and pj pants, didn’t want to be too sexy, and no one would’ve mistaken me for sexy with my hair piled on my head, no makeup, and a big old headband on. i hung out with april, and then went outside to sit with her while she smoked. 

thing is, while april and i were standing in the kitchen, before we went outside, something was going on with john and [matthew]. it was like…i don’t know. john pointed at me and asked him if he wanted me. but i’m not sure i actually heard that, and i was trying to hold a conversation with april at the time so i certainly wasn’t giving him my full attention. [matthew] started shaking his head and walked out to the garage, john followed him, then that’s when april and i went outside. [matthew] walked into the backyard 10 minutes or so later, might have said goodbye, told april she was flashing a nipple (and touched it), then walked away again. she and i left the yard a few minutes later to go back inside (we had the dogs with us), but the front door was bolted, so we had to go in through the garage (it has a code thing that you can punch in the frequency to unlock the door).

[matthew] was pulling out of the driveway. i waved, then went inside with april. i texted [matthew] "love you goodnight" or something along those lines, and he texted me back the same. inside, april and i split up, and i dragged john upstairs to our room, where he bitched about the dogs being more excited than we were and about us not having sex. we went to sleep, and that was it.

i just, there is such a thing as an emotional affair. is that what is going on with me and [matthew]? am i treating him like someone i’m dating, like more than a friend? he and i worked together for 2 years, and nothing has ever happened, and i don’t think either of us is pursuing any kind of relationship with each other, but, i do feel strongly about him, and i’m always very aware of his presence. 

i love my husband. and obviously he and i are having issues. [matthew] is not a better or worse guy, in fact they are a lot like each other. i don’t have any illusions that a relationship with [matthew] on the long term would be any different than my relationship with john. john and i were hot and heavy and in perfect sync for almost a year before we evened out into a normal life. that’s how brain chemicals work, you have these influxes of chemicals in your brain that allow you to bond with someone (which means you are abnormally happy to see them, and you can easily look past their flaws). it’s so easy to fall in love, and so hard to keep it going.

so now i’m going to work to improve my relationship with my husband, but i had really needed some time alone to deal with these thoughts. i don’t think i’ll stop hanging out with [matthew]. we’re friends, and he’s friends with my husband too, so he isn’t really avoidable.

hopefully john’s mere presence will stop bothering me soon so that I can kick the relationship building with him back into gear. [matthew] definitely gave me something the other night that my husband isn’t able to do for me right now. he made me feel….really good. i really hope that john and i can get our relationship back to a place where he can make me feel like that himself. or

where i’m content with what he does make me feel.

gotta go to the drycleaners. thanks for the listen.