(insert scream here)

I don’t think I could pack any more anger ino myself if I tried.  This doesn’t bother me too much.  What bothers me is I don’t have any decent reason to be mad at all, and yet I’d like to scream this house down.  I told him I had to go to sleep so I could think…but I’m too pissed to think, and I’m way too pissed to sleep.  Shit, I can barely sit still.

I wish…I don’t know.  I wish I was already grown up and I had more control over my rage-yness.  John obviously has a lot of control over himself, but I don’t know if its just an act to cover up the fact that he’s feeling the same way I do.  Like ripping someone’s head off, that is.  Normally, I suppose I would be typing up a list of all his wrongdoings, but I don’t fucking have anything.  If I could just swallow this rage and apologize and not have to come up with an answer for how I’ve acted I think I would.  I don’t know the reason, except I think that my mind is just looking for an excuse to act like this after getting along with him so perfectly for 7 months.  Like it can’t handle that he’s mostly acting the right way and saying the right things after a disagreement that wasn’t necessarily either of our faults.

I guess maybe I felt like I was being talked down to…but he really wasn’t doing that.  He was just taking the time to tell me what was pissing him off, so I could know better.  That’s as legit as it gets, and yet here I am, trying to find something wrong with him. 

I don’t think going to him now would do any good.  He may be better at masking it than I am…but if he’s as pissed as I am, I’m pretty sure I don’t want anything to do with that.  Bah…I’m talking in circles. 

Usually writing helps me sort shit out, helps me understand my problem.  I guess I didn’t like that he took away my outlet…of cleaning.  I sure as hell didn’t like that he assumed I was being a bitch during a time period that I really wasn’t.  I thought everything was fine…but then he said something, and I snapped and said something rude…and he assumed 10 minutes worth of actions were me being an ass…when I wasn’t.  I just snapped, and I felt like shit for it.  And now I’m stuck lying here angry and unable to apologize because I don’t even have a decent reason.

I feel like such a fucking kid.  Am I just way too far out of my league here?