yes eric, i slept with him.

you would have too if you were me.  its so nice to have a guy around that i can’t even begin to describe it.  well i’m sure i have on here many times before, so maybe i can.  it’s just that as humans we can’t help but spend our time looking for a warm body to make us feel good, and safe and secure.  or at least that’s how i, as a female, perceive it.  its not that i don’t value will for more that that, but if i’m honest, that’s the only reason i pursued him at all.  he was attractive, and not an asshole, and i was in need of a guy like that to just hold me and make me feel like i was somebody. 
depressingly enough, he’ll be gone at the end of next week and stay gone until march.  this is something that i keep changing my opinion on.  initially it was perfect, because he leaves the same week school starts and i know that i’ll have no time for a guy.  then i started looking at the downside.  i’m not sure i’ll get the chance to know him well enough before he leaves so that i can judge whether it is worth keeping up with him or trying to pursue anything there.  but ultimately, its perfect, because as much as i needed the mental break of having a guy to lean on, he won’t be around to get in my way when i’m in school mode.  lets just say he would definately be a distraction if he were.  plus he won’t be around to see me stressed out and on edge and well, generally bitchy.  that’s good.  i’m sure he doesn’t need that. 
i am glad that last night he finally opened up and talked about himself.  this was something that was bothering me, because where i’m an open book that pretty much anyone with half a brain can read, he’s the opposite.  so last night he just started talking and i was able to let him to continue long enough to decide that i do genuinely like him, and that i really could care for him.   it’s a relief, because i had started to see myself as maybe possibly using him.  and though it was definately unintentional, i would’ve started feeling like shit pretty quickly here.  as it turns out, he’s got a lot of what i’m looking for.  not that he’s perfect, but that’s not what i’m looking for.  my whole thing has been that i need to find a guy better for me that josh is, or else i’ll never get beyond josh.  will could potentially be that, although i’m definately not at the point where i could say for sure.  but even if it never works out between us, finding someone like him encourages me that i don’t need to settle, that there is a better guy out there for me, and that, as much as i will always love josh, i will come to the point when i need to be able to let him go.
i’ve practically hijacked my own entry…going off on tangents that no one will read or understand.  anyhow, i’ll call it quits now. 
i love that i still have this diary to write in.  i feel like i can really talk here.  and it feels good.

lata