anyone else wondering why i’m writing here?

i’ve totally got the answer.  i am WAY TOO MESSED UP right now to be allowed onto a blog that anyone and everyone has access to.  messed up as in drunk…or more explicitly….nearly, completely trashed.

i am having one hell of a time trying to cope with singleness.  because let me tell you, i made out with a guy and just generally acted like a teenager with him until 5 yesterday morning.  today was his last day working with me at the range.  i’m fucking plastered, and all i REALLY am is a little too horny.  so of course i would have loved to have gone home with him.  for lots of reasons actually:  to be taken care of a little bit, and to not be alone, etc.    but he lives with his parents (not criticizing him for that….he leaves for flight school in two weeks…it wouldn’t exactly make sense for him to be paying rent somewhere), and even though i’ve never seen his room i’d be willing to bet he’s stuck with a twin bed and that’s why i haven’t been in there.  i just want SOMEONE.  a warm body, a non-asshole, SOMETHING to make me feel like i’m not the world’s loneliest, biggest dumbass.  he would work well, except that in two weeks i’d have to replace him.  anyway what’s bothering me is i counted tonight as our last "easy" hang out night.  meaning that we wouldn’t have to sit on the phone talking about maybe meeting at 7 and then arguing about where and when and what to do.  so what ended up happening is we hung out at work with john and coach (which was fine) and i got plastered, and then he suddenly lets me know that he has to meet his sister at D&Ds.  yuck.  there’s not a place in 10 miles of here that i am LESS willing to go.  i almost went, except i was sure they wouldn’t let me in this trashed.

so i wanted to just have a warm body next to me tonight, and its a total bust.  i got nothing.  i got a goodnight kiss and merry christmas…and i couldn’t be more disappointed by it. 

yuck, i’m really drunk, and i’m sure this is practically unintellegible and probably very random.
i’m just fucking lonely.  and its a weak feeling, and theres not much out there that i like less than feeling weak. 

okay i really can’t keep my vision focusing on the screen.  i’ve gotta go.  goodnight and merry christmas!

kate