the lowdown.

hopefully nobody who cares reads this anymore, because i really need the chance to fucking vent.  I ran 3 miles trying to get this out of my mind earlier, and it didn’t come close to working. 

SO HERES HOW MUCH OF AN IDIOT I AM!!
I still talk to Josh.  common knowledge, right?  Do I still love him?  Sure I do.  He’s a good guy.  I walked all over his ass but what can I say…I was young.  I’m still young.  So here’s the thing.  He’s been working me for a couple months, trying to get me excited about him coming home in October/November.  I was kinda starting to get there, I mean, I don’t have a boyfriend and the guy makes me feel like a million bucks and I can talk to him about things that I could never talk to anyone else about.   His mom sent him pictures of me (according to him) which means she doesn’t hate me…which is awesome because his parents were always like a second set of parents to me.  I loved his family to death.  He made sure to tell me about it.  He calls whenever he’s not out at sea or whatever, just to play catchup.  Especially in the last couple of weeks.

Now I’ve admitted it before on here, so I figure what the hell, it can’t hurt to admit it again.  I’m a sneaky internet person.  If I get bored enough, I’ll start going through my exs’ email.  I know.  I’m a lousy S.O.B., but in my defense, these guys GAVE me their passwords, and then never changed them.  Still, I should refrain.  For the most part I do…but I got excessively bored this afternoon and went to check out Josh’s.  See he just sent out an email to all the family and me that he would be out of pocket for a while and would call when he got back.  I was hoping his Dad wrote him…his dad practically writes newsletters, it totally lets me in on all the family goings-on…which I enjoy keeping up with (even though its none of my busines…i know, i know.)  So I go in and his dad wrote him, and I laughed and smiled and went to sign off…when I see that Desiree wrote him. 

Backstory:  Desiree is basically the ex that fucked him up for all the rest of the girls in the world.  She cheated on him time after time after time.  She is currently married.  I’ve had her come in and comment on my diary before back in the day, she is a RAVING BITCH.  Sorry, that’s harsh seeing as I don’t actually know her, but I’m sure she got the same impression of me, but I never cheated on him, or did anything to deserve all the jealous monster that came out in him sometimes. 

Anyway, the email goes something like this:
"I just have to tell you that he (the hubby i’m sure) knows what happened.  But he’s taking it ok.  He said its his own fault.  I told him I wouldn’t stop talking to you, please don’t get upset and be safe…(blah blah blah)  I LOVE YOU!!!!   Dezzy."

Yuck.

So then as I’m wondering what "happened," I see he has a new email folder labled "Dess"  I open it up to find five emails recounting the fantastic time they had two weekends ago and the fantastic sex and how she doesn’t regret a thing and she didn’t know how much she missed him till she saw him and she cried and it felt like they’d never been apart and the best part was waking up in bed next to him.  I almost barfed all over my computer.  It was disgusting.  Not because he had sex with her…I wouldn’t have expected him to pass it up.  It was disgusting because thats how I feel about him.  There’s some other girl out there who regrets fucking it up with him.  Not that she’ll be getting that divorce anytime soon.  Nevermind that she has a kid with her husband.  She sat there and said she wanted him to spend time with her when he was on leave.  Damnit am I an idiot.  He’s going to I’m sure, but its not like he’ll stop with her.  The way he’s been talking to me the last two weeks….he’s dying to get in bed with me too and relive all the old familiar feelings.  Once again I despise myself for being cool with the idea no more than 12 hours ago.  Oh if he gets the chance, he’ll sleep with both of us, and maybe more.  And while I might get to see the family (they hate her guts)  none of it means jack shit. 

Now, I’m not sure I’ve ever had any desire for it to mean jackshit.  I think I would be perfectly happy with seeing him for a day, and waving goodbye, and continuing my search for a guy thats a better fit for me.  Now I’m thinking I’ll respect my self a hell of a lot more if I don’t go anywhere near him that week, but then I’m sure he’ll be so pissed that that’ll be the end of that.  Am I just weak for wanting to see him?  I don’t know.  He’s a good guy, but not perfect by any means, and as fun as reliving the past is…it is just the past.  I ‘m not sure I could ever have a future with him again.  I’m pretty positive I won’t.  So why the hell does ANY of this matter???

I’ve never been jealous.  Not to the point of nearly barfing on myself at the mere mention of sex.  I’ve always been open with him and talked about his issues with Desiree (shes always kept in contact with him) and kept my opionion that shes a raving bitch to myself for the most part.  I don’t know why any of this matters to me when I know the probability of anything ever coming from the two of us is zero to none. 

I’ll tell you one positive thing.  If I do start seeing someone before he comes down, I won’t feel even of a fraction of the guilt I felt last time in saying "I can’t see you, sorry."  He’ll still get layed.