the breaking point

I’m coming annoyingly near to the inevitable breaking point.  The point when I shut my brain off and call Seth crying and apologizing and lost as can be.  I carry my phone everywhere willing it to ring and to be silent all at once.  I’m trying to be solid and strong.  I’ll be fine without a boyfriend.  I’ll be absolutely fine.  I don’t have to have his arms around me to be a human being.  Damnit.  Why does this always happen when I have an insane number of  consecutive days off from work?  I washed my car, I’ve gone running, I’ve gone tanning, I’ve watched movies, I bought a new cd, and I still have too much dead time.  I’m actually thinking about joining the gym…You wouldn’t believe how self-concious I am.  I hate being alone.  I mean I’m not alone, I have wonderful parents and the best dog a girl could ask for.  But really, I am alone.  I should call Michelle and go see a chick flick or go up to Waco and hang out with Eric.  Too bad Jen dropped off the face of the earth, I could really use her right now.  I’d be fine if I had something to stick my mind to, but I really just don’t.  My room is cleaned and recleaned.  I could vaccuum out my car cause Lord knows it needs it but I’ll probably sweat to death trying.  I should work on my stuff for class in the morning, but the only way I get through class awake is working on the homework then…I’d hate to deprive myself.  I could read, but I’m starting to get sick of it.  The way I burn through books when I’ve got no one to talk to is insane.  I’m really pissed at myself for wanting to talk to Seth, he doesn’t deserve to be put through all kinds of shit again.  I should leave him alone and let him sort out his life and be happy again.  I wish… I shouldn’t wish.  Why couldn’t it have worked?  It’s not fair.  There was a time for a while there where everything was great…but what happened, did it fizzle?  Did we get tired of each other?  Was I unconciously pushing him away?  Did we just not have sex often enough?  BLAH!!!  I should take a bath and do my hair…that’ll give me at least an hour’s worth of brain occupation.  And then…I guess I’ll read, or play video games, or do anything…anything but call him.