post-seth mourning
For anyone who cares: I had a wonderful birthday. I really did. It was just the very very end of the day that sucked. Talk about bad timing. We were in San Antonio. It was beautiful. We had fought a little, but we had truly made the most out of Monday. Which is why its hard to believe that I spent all day Tuesday crying.
I got home at four in the morning, absolutely exhausted and depressed. I wrote a note to my parents, told them I’d probably sleep in, tried to call Seth, but he just picked up and hung up so I text messaged him. It was over. Totally, completely, no turning-back over. So dad says I didn’t stop crying when I fell asleep, and when he left for work in the morning, he turned off my cell phone and took it with him. Which is good cause I probably would have called. I talked to mom instead, and I cried. Nothing seemed fair. It was like everything had happened because after dinner, its like we couldn’t get on the same track as each other. One of us was happy, then one unhappy, then one severely depressed, and one ok….it just kept on going. But the reason I left, it wasn’t quite as stupid as the rest of the fight. The way I tried to leave was pretty stupid, but the reason was serious.
I had a completely heart-stopping realization that the person sitting in the room with me was not the man I wanted to marry someday. I had believed he was. I had believed I could deal with the stupid fights because the good times were so damn good. I realized it was all wrong. I had totally overestimated myself; I could not handle the relationship. For that I am eternally sorry. I’ve dragged this out way too long on hope and love, trying to believe things could work out. What I really ended up doing was trying to change him. I wanted to erase all his imperfections. It’s horrible. I’m sorry. If you can’t love someone and be with someone for who they are, then you don’t belong with them at all.
Most troubling is my inability to stand my ground and stick with my decision to leave him. I want him to call. I want to call him. I want to erase that fight and wake up Tuesday morning in San Antonio and go shopping. I cry my eyes out uncontrollably off and on for 24 hours, yet I still go develop the roll of film I have from this weekend and don’t stop looking at it. My parents take me out to dinner and I continue to sit around moping and unable to snap out of it, and crying in public. The worst part is that I took all these days off work. I don’t have to go back until 4 o’clock Thursday, and I’m on Spring Break so there isn’t any school. When he sent me a message last night, after I’d spent all day hoping for it. I just read the message and went to sleep. Now here I am replying to his entry. I don’t think I should be though.
This really isn’t about what is right or wrong, or who is right or wrong. I’m just gonna be me for a while. Do a lot of cleaning, and a lot of reading. I’ll play some video games, and watch some movies, and maybe call Jen after a couple of days. I need the alone time. I need to spend time with my dog and my family. I absolutely 100% cannot talk to Seth. Don’t get me wrong, I want to talk to him, I want to see him, and breathe the same air as him, but it will be just a temporary fix. I need space and time. I don’t think he and I belong together, but only time can decide something like that. What is supposed to happen will happen. I’m tired of trying to force things along that keep telling me otherwise. If we belong together, it’ll happen. Sometime, someday, it will work out., but right now is not the time. After a week or so, we should be able to talk just enough to sort out issues like the phone and pictures and other little stuff. Right now is time to take for ourselves though. And maybe, just maybe, to enjoy it.
I’ll always wish the best for you seth.