Entry by Seth

So by now you have all read things about me. Some are good and some are bad. None of you know me and for that I don’t think that you can judge me. Things have been great and things have been miserable between Kate and me. We just got back from our weekend in San Antonio and things are not well. We are not together any more. I truly don’t know what to do about it (fight or flight). I know I love her more than anything in the world but sometimes that just isn’t enough. Everybody is telling me to move on but it isn’t that easy. Our relationship lately has been extreme (good and bad) but not steady at all. I told her about a month and a half ago that I needed her to take some time away from me to consider how she felt and to decide what she wanted and just how much she would sacrifice to have it. I told her that I was willing to do just about anything you can think of to keep her in my life forever. Lately she has been making me prove myself in that area. I want to keep going strong but I’m out of steam. She told me she was sorry that she had been trying to change me last night when she got her things from my apartment. I’m not sure what to take from that. I didn’t think that we were trying to change each other. I was thinking we were accepting each other and comprimising to make each other happy. Maybe that doesn’t work when both people are trying to do that at the same time. I wish that things had worked out between us or that they still could but I’m not sure if they ever can. She doesn’t seem as dedicated emotionally as I was expecting. Maybe I had my hopes to high. I haven’t been perfect myself and i don’t want to sound like I’m bashing her at all.

The fights and problems we have had I will keep private. I will tell how i feel. I love her. I hate her. I want to see her. I never want to see her. It is all too fresh right now to know exactly how I feel. I do wish that in the long run we can work out our problems and be happy together. I think that if we made it threw some of our previous issues than we could make it threw anything and everything. Maybe we truly hadn’t made it threw anything and we just pretended we had.

I just want everybody to know that everything I have done and still doing has been with her in mind. My intentions have been pure and genuine. I want her to be happy with or without me. I’m not going to sit around with my hopes up and my dreams on a high wire just to be disapointed later. I’m not going to go do anything that I wouldn’t do if I was still with Kate either.

Kate, if you decide to read this I apologize for everthing I have ever done that has upset you or hurt you. I’m sorry. I never wanted to. I hope you don’t mind me writing on here. I’m having an extremely hard time dealing with this right now. I know you are too. I hope the best for you in every aspect. I want to be there for you right now but I don’t think I can. I love you and I miss you and always will. I hope this isn’t the end of communication between us but if it is I needed to tell you how i feel. I guess I’ve said the most of it and as for the rest there is really no point in bringing up old issues. I wish I could keep writing forever right now. I don’t want to let go. I will try my best to let go if that is what you need me to do.

I was going to work in moose and turtle and a couple of other things in this but I’m not feeling that creative(inside thing).I hope by now you all know how I feel about this very special girl.Please don’t blame her for anything or me. It took both of us to screw up. I love you and I miss you. Good luck.

Happy birthday. Hope you got to spend some time with your family and dog.