Discovery

"but we are all used to a more badass RM"

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You’re right.
And that got me to thinking…..

Erin’s eyes use to light up when I was dressing like a girl to go on interviews. She became more interested and amorous when I was ‘trying’ on my appearance.

One of my actors made a comment to me the other day: "you know, people look very different in their costumes and in their civies. I’ve been noticing the past few days that you look really good in your costume. Not to say that you don’t look good in civies…." 

The other day I made a comment about when I wear my faire boots to work, I feel like a more powerful and professional woman. A friend commented "funny how garb does that, huh?"

This all does have a point, I promise.

I was mulling over the above note about being a more badass remarkable mishap….

And I realized that it’s not that I don’t like my life. I love my life. I am just not ready for it to be what it is right now. "I’m too young to feel this damn old." 

It’s not Erin, and I shouldn’t place that blame on her. I’m unhappy with me. With where I am in life. I feel like I should be further along. I feel like I should have traveled, and met more people, and created more things by now. I’m not motivated by anything at the moment, and I have been mad at Erin all of this time because I’ve been expecting her to motivate me.

I want this comfy reliable chilled-out predictable life….. just in about ten years. When we have kids and a house and things that need this stability.

So, that opened up the floodgates I hadn’t been able to access. I love Erin. and she is very good and very capable. She’s lacking motivation as well. We need a project.

And that’s when it hit me: steampunk.

Okay, stay with me here…

Erin is a seamstress. I am a puppeteer and constantly looking for new things to do.

An important thing to Erin is to look really good (she’s been contemplating being a model and many people have suggested it to her). And looking good makes me feel powerful and gives me energy.

BAM! that’s how it hit.

an alpha female or any other singular person wouldn’t be able to give me any more energy than Erin would. I’d drain them and then we’d be back at square one. But what if Erin and I worked on a project together and that project in return let us go to conventions and events where people looked at us and were excited by us…. that’s a constant energy source that would replenish the stock. Investing in a project that Erin and I could work on together, such as building steampunk clothing and then going to conventions, is like adding a self-powered emergency generator to our relationship, instead of going through 9volt batteries every other week.

This could work. It’s scary, but it’s exciting. You shoudl have seen the smile on her face. And she noticed that I was smiling when I came home. I don’t remember the last time I was smiling when I came home.

We just need a chance and a way to live. That’s what’s been lacking. Life.

And when we’ve worn through steampunk, we’ll find something else. We recognize now what’s going on and how we can start to fix it.

It’s not an overnight solution. Hell, it’s an expensive habit if done easy…. But we can figure it out. We can do it the hard way and then get the extra ‘wow! you made that out of what?!’ factor. 

I’m excited. and Erin’s excited. and it makes it possible. anything is possible again.