Time to think

For some reason last night, I couldn’t get to sleep

Usually when the clocks are turned back, I am out cold by 10pm but last night for some reason, I was still wide awake by 11:30

I tried to watch tv, but wasn’t really focusing on it, so I went in my room and started putting away laundry.  Mind you, it was a LOT of clean clothes that needed to be sorted and folded, hung up, etc.

As I was going through the motions of this simple task, my brain was just toiling away, all sorts of things were going on in my head, which I am sure lead me to not being able to sleep

It was then, as I went from my bed to the closet that I had a bit of an epiphany

Although Don and I have just met, we definitely have some serious mojo (his word, and oddly enough, the name of my new kitten) and that we should just enjoy ourselves, see where the path leads.  And that’s all fine and good however, I know what happens when I get a thought in my head

So when we were talking, being all serious for a moment, I had told him that since we were intimate I had stopped seeing other people.  That’s just how I am, I said, sort of don’t want to muddle the waters with others, like to focus on one guy, etc.  I then asked if he was seeing others, and he said yes, but they hadn’t reached any sort of intimacy level yet and that if they did, he would be honest with me about it

And for sure, the breath caught in my throat.  How does someone tell you that he adores you and then goes off and spends time with someone else?  And the fact that I barely see him, well, that’s just not cool with me, I want someone to want me as much as I want them, you know?

So on to this epiphany…I realized, thinking over the times that we have spent together, that I am just a distraction for him, an amusing little creature that makes him laugh.  He’s even said that I totally crack him up.  On the flip side, he has said he’s happy, but what guy wouldn’t be happy with a sexy little monkey like me to play with?  LOL  That he didn’t really take me all that seriously and that these other women, these women that clearly he was taking his time with before getting intimate, held more sway to him

Clearly, I am projecting all sorts of crap about myself onto him, but my intuition has been ridiculously strong these past few days and I think I am just going to let this one ride

I really enjoy our time together, I honestly don’t think we’re the right fit for one another long term.  Someone that’s really busy with work and having to deal with kid issues and ex’s that take him back to court really doesn’t have time to be serious with someone.  Hence my thoughts about just being a fun diversion

So after that was out of my head, I laid there with my now clean room and thought, hmm I should send Brian a note, to apology.  I was a total raving bitch to him when I broke up with him in September, so I laid there in bed and typed him a nice note, and meant it.

And for the first time since we broke up, I honestly felt something tear inside me and I cried.  I hadn’t really let any of that go and it felt good to finally release it.

I finally was able to go to sleep around midnight and seemed to pop right up first thing this morning.  We’ll see how long my energy lasts