A Lot to Write

A lot to write

I was 12 and in 7th grade when I wondered what was wrong with me.  By  reading and researching I concluded I was depressed.  It was that one day at volleyball try outs.  I wasn’t allowed to try out that year because I had failed to have a medical test done.  It was fair for everyone else, but I had felt rejected and cried for hours. But….it had happened before and even worse.  In 5th grade I was bad at playing volleyball and the coach took me out of the game that was going on during receess.  I waited on a long line to get into the game, but once there everyone wanted me out because I didn’t know how to play.  The coach didn’t even let me hit the ball and sent me back to making a line. 

I went home and I practiced every day, very angry, very stubborn.  I refused to stop until I became the best.  Why was that time in 7th grade different?  I was cryong over nothing when years back my reaction was a stronger one.  Something had changed since before that time, but I only noticed then.

After that I gradually began to loose everything I ever had: Social life, sports, grades, relationships, and even smiling is not the same anymore.  It’s always the same story when it comes to depression isn’t?

but…..

Have I really lost it all? Somehow I’m still here… and I don’t even know what keeps me alive.

I have a lot of things to write down.

but…..

I’m still not sure where to start.