It’s really over…..

On February 12, 2007 I thought my world was ending.  At 5:15 p.m. on that day I stood beside a hospital bed talking softly to M and holding his hand when I realized I had just witnessed the last breath he would ever take on this earth.  I stood there holding his hand as his life slipped away, taking a piece of my heart with him.

And here we are almost 19 months later.  I sorted through all his earthly possesions.  I cleaned out the home he had built for himself and worked his whole life to have.  I had to be confronted with dealing with his family so I could give them the things he wanted them to have.  I had to take all of the things he had accumulated and decide what to do with them.  And I had to stand and watch as complete strangers carted away all of his things at an auction on a brisk November day.  But worst of all was standing in the utter and total silence of his house.  All of the things that made it his home now gone.  voices echoing in the stillness as they bounce off the now bare walls of completely empty rooms.  I walked through that house as if my life were in slow motion.  I took in every single inch of it so I would never forget.  And then I stood there and closed my eyes and in my mind the house was as it always had been.  It was filled with his things again, I could hear the TV on in the background like it always was, the smell of the house…his smell, and the sound of his voice and the laughter ringing out between him and my son.  I remembered the Christmases that we had just in the recent past celebrated there, and the other holidays too that he no longer could travel for but meant so much to him to have his "Goober" (nickname he called my son) around him and the sound of him calling out Mouse (a nickname he gave me as a small child) when he wanted to tell me something or have me do something for him.  It was all there.  I know that even though he is no longer here, those memories will ALWAYS be with me.  No one and nothing can take those from me.

For months his family tried to make my life a living hell.  And I admit, it was tough.  On more than one occasion I sat down and couldn’t help but said "what do I do now?"  "where do I go from here?" when with every turn they seemed to try and sabotage me.  And through it all, when I would get the most discouraged and felt like I couldn’t do what he had set out for me to do I always managed to get through it.  And I know I got through it becuase of his strength and the confidence he had in me.  He never let me down, I couldn’t let him down.  So I kept plugging away, jumping hurdles and dodging bullets every step of the way.

And here were are, 19 months later.  The final hearing is done and glory be no one showed up to raise one last stink.  The Judge approved of everything that had been done and passed on her judgment.  Final taxes are done and submitted to the appropriate tax entities.  And final distribution has been made to all heirs.  It’s DONE.  It’ actually DONE.  Everyone who had anything coming to them now has it in their hot little hands.  Everyone who was getting a check now has that in hand as well.  Mine’s in the bank already! lol  The attorney has been paid, I’ve been paid, all of the pain in the butt heirs that caused nothing but trouble all the way through have all been given there (non)deserved money.  The only thing left is the official release from duty discharge paper to be filed by the Judge.  She ordred it, it’s sitting there at the Court house waiting for all of the final waivers to be filed saying they got their checks.  Once that is filed then I am officially discharged.  That should come about in a couple of weeks max.

I thought I had gone through the toughest part of all of this.  I thought losing him getting rid of all of the things that were his was the hardest part for me.  Handling the estate stuff just seemed like an honor and privelege to have bestowed on me, a job if you will.  But what I have found is that ‘job’ was much harder than I anticipated. 

They say all good things must come to an end.  And while I wouldn’t necessarily say this has been a ‘good’ thing, per se, it is coming to an end.  I thought over the past 19 months that I had grieved for M and the hole he left in my life when he passed.  I thought I had worked through all of those feelings and emotions that come with losing someone you love so dearly.  But I’m finding out that NOW the grieving process is really starting to kick in.  Sure, I mourned his loss then.  I felt the sadness and lonliness that comes with the loss of someone close to you.  I cried, I got angry, I felt calm, I felt sad, I avoided doing the things I knew I needed to do so I wouldn’t have to face the reality of his absence.  But with the whole estate business coming to a close I am finding that I feel even more lost and sad that I could have ever anticipated.

Maybe it’s because now I have the time to sit back and reflect on what his passing means to me, how my life has been changed not only by his passing but by having the privilege of having had him in my life for so long.  Maybe it’s because now I am peace with knowing that his last wishes were carried out EXACTLY as he wanted them to be and that I was the one that was able to do that for him so HE could be at peace. 

Last night I sat and held those checks in my hands and I cried.  I cried because, for some, his whole life was worth nothing more than the numbers that were printed on those pieces of paper.  But to me it was so much more.  What I wouldn’t give to be able to trade those checks back in and have him here with me now.    And then I sat and stared at the waiver that I had to sign.  "I acknowledge that I have received everything that I am to receive from the Estate of M.K…."  I stared at those words and stared at those words.  They seem simple enough, right?  I think so.  And while the piece of paper I was holding was talking about things that were set forth in the Will and all of that legal stuff, it felt like it should have meant so much more.  No, I have not received everything from M that I wanted.  I didn’t get to watch him enjoy spending time with his "grandsons" and watching them grow, I didn’t get to spend Christmas with him last year and see the joy on his face at the twinkle in my son’s eyes looking at a Christmas tree.  I didn’t get to call him up when I had a question about something that I know he knew the answers to just to make sure I was making the right decision.  I didn’t get to spend his birthday with him eating cake and ice cream.  I didn’t get to visit him every few weeks when I go back home.  I didn’t get to gain more wisdom from him.  I didn’t get to relive more memories that he liked to share about his time in the Army serving overseas or of me as a small child and the times we spent together.  I didn’t "receive" everything that I had always thought I would from him becuase he was taken way before we were ready.  And while we had nearly 3 years to get ready for that

day, it would have never been enough time to prepare for all of the things I had not yet "received" from him. 

So I struggled with that paper.  I know it shouldn’t have been a big deal.  But for some reason it was very difficult to sign on the line saying that yes, in fact, I have received everything I needed from him.  Legally I have.  In all other senses, no I haven’t.  DH saw it was hard for me to sign.  After I signed it and sealed it up in the envelope I still sat and held onto it, afraid to put it in the mailbox.  By signing it, it’s the last step in all of this.  It frees me from the craziness that was imposed by his family for 19 months.  But more than anything, it frees me from my tie to him.  And that is something I was not ready to lose.

But I signed it and mailed it.  And I still sit and can hardly believe that this is over with.  Life goes on, memories keep us going.  And I’m thinking that maybe now the grieving process can finally truly start.  It’s over, I can hardly belive it……