For a good cause

This morning I got an email from my DH.  It seems the office manager from his office is doing an American Cancer Society run/walk this weekend and was doing a pledge drive. 

He asked if I would like to make a donation in honor of M.  He said he wasn’t sure if he should ask because he didn’t know how I would feel about that given the whole ordeal I went through with M during his fight with cancer.  But he said that he knows that by going through all of that it has affected the way he views things.

So I thought about it for a moment and decided why not.  DH sent me the link for the person’s  page where I could make the donation. 

I never realized how something so simple as filling in his information for the memorial donation could bring to the surface all those feelings again.  I just sat and stared at the screen for a moment at his name and the dates that I entered for his memorial stuff and I cried.  It’s been 14 months now since he passed but there are still moments in time where it hits me as if it were yesterday.  Today was one of those moments as I filled in his name and date he lost his battle with cancer.  It’s just one of those things.  When you think your finally able to start moving on with your life and getting past that pain that lives deep down inside from such a loss it bubbles up and smacks you right between the eyes again.

He’s been on my mind lately anyway.  Especially since my oldest son has been talking about him more.  He wasn’t even 3 at the time when we lost him.  It amazes me what he remembers about him.  We were looking through a photo album the other day and ran across the pictures we took at Christmas 2006, just a few weeks before he passed.  And K pointed to him and said "that’s Grandpa pa"  and I said "yes it is"  he looked at me and said "Mommy, he was sick".  I said "yes honey, he was sick"  and he looked back at the picture for awhile, then looked back at me with that innocent child look and said "but it’s ok now Mommy because he doesn’t hurt anymore".  It brought tears to my eyes to have that sweet little boy understand that he didn’t have the pain anymore from being sick.    It was a moment like that that brought back the memories of the night before M passed when K was saying goodbye to him before D?H took the boys back to my Mom’s for the night.  He crawled up on M’s bed and gave him a big hug.  The two of them locked gazes and just stayed that way for a while.  M whispered "I love you" to K, K shook his head yes then slid down off the bed.  Stood there holding M’s hand in his little hand and just looking at him as if he were trying to drink in every detail about him so he could remember later.  Then he let his hand go, said goodbye to him and said "it’s ok" and then they left.  Who could ever imagine the peace that gave M that night.  That was his little ‘goober’ after all and he thought the world of him.

It’s been a rough year.  An emotional year.  A year of learning how to live my life without one of the people that helped make me who I am today.  But I’m getting there, day by day.

I guess the point is this:  if you have been affected by the effects of cancer, have known someone who has, or even if you don’t, take the time to donate to those who participate in these run/walk events.  A cure can not be reached if people don’t help fund it.  Science and medicine are changing every day and someday there is hope there will be a cure for cancer so that no one else has to ever feel the pain and emptiness that comes from losing a loved one to that horrible disease.  And if you can’t support them financially, at least keep them in your thoughts as they do these events becuase it takes alot of emotional strength to be able to do it. 

We continue to fight because they were brave enough to fight………….