..what do you want from me?

     Today I made a decision that’s laid my insides empty and barren. I feel hollow .. wounded.

I never felt her breath blow over my chest or enjoyed the tip of her tongue circle my nipple before her lips covered it and pulled it easily inside to softly suckle slowly .. deliciously. But, I dreamed it. I yearned to know that desire from her.   She told me often how much she thought of me and ask me what I wanted from her.  We never met.

‘I want to know your love .. it’s consuming abandon, your look of surrender, when your body demands pleasure and power, when your face reflects the fire, ignited in you, and you are melting with the fever of feeling my firm filling your flesh with overflowing fullness..  I want to know your love .. it’s haunting depth, that opens you wide for me in grand fashion, without limits, where I can do no wrong and every fiber of you has one purpose ..fed .. with infinite faith and total trust and complete honesty.. a naive state that gives folly and fantasy freedom to fly!   I want to know your love .. it’s soothing understanding, that we are forever together, bound by our hopes and dreams, chained to nothing, but inextricably woven into one cloth, one destiny, one future.  I want to know your love .. it’s unending joy, as my playmate to share lust and leisure, my helpmate to fashion our lives around our talents and skills  .. my heaven and hell, where my heart and my heat can be tempered to our union .. my world, that balances on the stars in your eyes and the gleam of your smile .. my reason for being, that makes leaving you and returning, a celebration! .. ALL of these laid at your feet in homage to your beautiful soul.’ 

In those moments, as she waited for my answer, the ingredients of my recipe above were scattered and vague.  I knew what my heart felt. I knew what my body craved, but I was not prepared to put it all into words.

In this situation, men tend to feel they are being given an ultimatum and we don’t handle those very well. "If you won’t this, then I’ll do that" something along those lines. Women tend to give a man an out, after they’ve told you to do or be something against your grain or they will go out with a guy that WILL do or be what they want, but don’t realize it’s a one sided out, ie. "I like you .. I like how you make me feel, but what is it you want from me?"  Finally, I said .. " I want the opportunity to be your friend." I wasn’t in a position to commit, beyond that. It wasn’t because she was lacking or that I have a problem with commitment.

When you have a job to do, you need to do it. I regret being put in the position to make a decision on love, while I’ve got decisions to make about life. But, I did. She’s free to be pursued without considering me. It gave me a rough evening last night and a fresh hope this morning, until I inventoried my options. The email was short. The day has been silent.

This has been a challenging year for my heart. No one that’s entered has remained with me physically and ALL that have entered .. are still with me. The emotions of the first to come and go, feeding the next and so on. It builds, crescendos and builds again. Some of YOU are in this blissful brew, steeping inside me. When I pour a tempting cup of coital conversation at this table we share daily, you never know that it isn’t your flavor teasingly inviting and richly yours that isn’t rising from the rim that my tongue licks so carefully, before I take a sip.