losing my grip.

yet another random public entry…

breakfast: yogurt – 80

lunch: salad  & sandwich – 400

I was going to eat dinner. I go downstairs to make another salad and my mom says, "didn’t you have something not too long ago?" I ate lunch at noon. It is now 5:00. "Yeah, 5 hours ago." She says, "I could have sworn you ate like an hour ago." WHAT MOTHERFUCKING DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE.

I cannot fucking stand this anymore. If I don’t eat, I lose. If I eat, I still lose. She will never ever think that I am a normal person. She will never treat me like a normal person. Fuck it. Fuck having dinner. I am going to hop on the elliptical and work out until I pass out, just like old times. I want to be healthy but there is honestly no reason to be. I have been being ‘healthy’ for months and months and I am still positively repulsive in every way shape and form. Being healthy has done nothing for me except keep me fat and ugly. I want so much to just starve and waste away to nothing all summer long but something inside me is keeping me from doing it. I wish that something inside would fucking die and let me self destruct in peace without this obnoxious little ‘voice of reason’ polluting my thoughts. I don’t know where it came from. I think I may have put it there. :/ Fuck. How did this happen?  I sit here in front of the mirror, no makeup, my hair undone… I am positively repulsive. I am the fucking ugliest bitch I have ever seen. And people don’t believe me. Have they ever seen me the way I am now with no makeup, my hair flat and out of my face? NO. If they did, they would never call me pretty again, because they’d know it’s not true. They think i’m pretty only when I am wearing a shit ton of makeup like I always do. I wish I was naturally beautiful. But I’m not. I’m fake as fuck.

Why didn’t this eating disorder kill me before they had time to stick me in treatment. I didn’t want to live. I will never, ever be able to lead a life that isn’t completely consumed with food and calories and weight and inches. Once you have an eating disorder, you have one forever. It stays with you, even if you ‘recover’. I will always have disordered eating. Always. And it just makes me want to die. I am a fucking nut. I have completely fucking lost my shit. I think this is really starting to mess with me and my mind again, I know im losing it. I want this to kill me. I need this to kill me.