take me back to when everything was beautiful.

I ran today. Twice. Once wasn’t enough. I ate too. I feel like it was enough, around 1000 calories. God this is so difficult. Sometimes I feel myself slipping back into my old ways. Sometimes I wonder why I even eat my lunch when not eating it will mean less calories and more weight loss. Why do I have to be in a constant war with whats on my plate? A turkey sandwich and an apple. About 270 calories. Harmless. But I can’t help but think, maybe I should use one slice of bread instead of two and just fold that one over. And while I’m at it, put the apple back into the fruit bowl for someone who can enjoy it and not worry if it would put me over on my daily allowance of calories. Then I realize I’d be going back to the way i was before. But I love apples. They’re so pretty. And sweet and healthy at the same time. And I love sandwiches. They remind me of being a little kid. The way my mom used to cut them in half vertically and give me a cup of juice to drink with it. Why can’t I go back to being the way I was back then when I was able to eat my lunch without a care? Why can’t I go back to the days when me and my sister would make what we called "favorite noodles" and play video games on the Nintendo 64. "Favorite noodles" were elbow macaronis with basil tomato sauce with melted cheddar cheese, and we loved them.

I just wish I could wake up and the world would magically be beautiful again. My world. Before my life changed. Before I changed. It was around middle school that everything turned  ugly. I just haven’t been the same sense. I haven’t had a group of friends that I hang out with since then. I never found a place where I fit. I’m that puzzle piece that you handled a little too roughly, thats edges are creased and layers are separated, that doesn’t quite fit with the others so well because it’s been damaged. Abused. Yes that would be me. Today I read all my entries from the very beginning. I remember saying that I feel the same every day. That all my emotions exist in the same shade of grey. One year later, that hasn’t changed. But I’m trying. God, I’m trying. I am so thankful for everything I have. I have parents that love me, that buy me all my ‘safe’ foods, that pay for my business school, that helped me buy my Acura, that gave me everything I needed and wanted from birth. A lot of people don’t have that. But if there’s one thing I wish that they could take away from me, it’s my ED. I wish they could take it and throw it away. 

I try to think of the bright side of this. I’m trying. And I’m not purging. That has to count for something, doesn’t it? I haven’t purged in who knows how long. I try not to think about it. YES I am trying to lose weight. But I’m also trying to get out of a relapse of this eating disordered thinking. I never thought I would starve myself, but it happened. I never thought I would purge and then it happened. I also never thought i’d be able to stop. But I did. It’s not easy. But I did.

I finally got the courage to text B after some help from my friend. "I know we haven’t talked in a while, buuuut I wanna keep you as at least a friend, if that’s okay with you?" It sounds so awkward now that I read it again. He hasn’t replied and I’m not expecting him to, but I just wanna leave my door open for him. I told my best friend the whole story about B and me and Cody. I couldn’t get through it without crying. That’s not me. He’s the only thing with a dick that I have cried over in ages. I’m just hoping he’ll come around and see that through it all i’ll still be his friend. Or something like it.