Another month, another period

Along with that period comes extreme disappointment, as always, but that’s nothing unusual.  The past five months have really put me on a roller coaster, and I don’t like it.  I know that our struggle to get pregnant is depressing me, and I am taking it out on my husband.  I don’t like the way that I have been or the way that I have felt, and I know that feeling this way is doing nothing but making it harder for us to conceive.  Things have to change. 

I had a breakdown today where I allowed myself to cry, and then I picked myself back up and started looking at the positive side of things.  I began reading a book we were given as a wedding present called Life-Giving Love, and it really made me feel better.  It’s all about the gift of children and how to have a marriage centered on the openness of accepting children.  All of the principles discussed in the book are ones that Trent and I have been brought to in the past year and have been fortunate enough to discover and be able to put into play in our own lives.  I think the thing that made me feel the best was understanding that we can pray to God and ask Him to bless us with a child, but it ultimately has to be done in His timing.  We can’t pick and choose when we want to have a baby because we aren’t the ones in control. 

I feel sort of renewed right now, as if I am starting to better realize and understand that being pregnant right now must not be what God has planned for us.  We don’t know where life will lead us or what God will present to us in the future, but I need to become better at accepting that I am living a life that was given to me as a gift from God, and I really do want to hand it over to Him and let Him lead me.  That means that there are going to be things that I am not going to like that happen in my life, and there will be things that cause me to feel down and to worry.  At the same time, I need to further understand that God’s timing is perfect and that if and when we are meant to be blessed with the miracle of a child, that is what God will give us.  I was placed here on this earth to serve Him, and that’s exactly what hubby and I need to focus on doing.