Bitter defeat
Well. That last entry sure did elicit a lot of responses… it seems there are quite a few people that empathize with my plight.
To be honest, I’m still not sure where I stand on the situation. The other part of it is that my brother took quite a leap of faith in hiring me on and now I’m one of the most reliable people he has. I’m his go-to guy for a lot of shit. Also, I’ve been telling him how I plan on sticking it out etc etc only because I didn’t want to say “Eeeeh well I dunno” y’know what I mean? Sigh… it’s never easy.
The majority (read: basically everbody that commented) seem to think I should just follow what I want to do. I also listened to an interesting excerpt from a guy named Dave Tate (trust me, he’s something worth listening to) who said that trying to do something that isn’t parallel with your personal values is just going to cause you a lot of stress. I guess a lot of things with this job don’t go with my values. Actually, a lot of people that my brother hangs out with don’t really go along with my values. I’m a moral person, while most of them… well, aren’t. They have no problem lying (almost pathologically) to anybody. How can you trust people like that? Well I’m getting stuck on a tangent.
Basically… I don’t even know. I need to hash it out more with somebody face-to-face. I’m not really capable of thinking it all through by myself right now — I can’t be objective about it. Which is strange because usually I’m so good at that, but I’m just too tied-in with everything now.
Another thing that’s been bothering me, just recently… well, for my time off I’m going to need a passport. I’ve been putting it off, though. I said I would get it the next time I had a day off, which was last weekend, and I completely forgot. Obviously, I didn’t end up getting it.
I guess, in reality, it’s not really that big of a deal, but to me, it’s a HUGE deal because… that was one of the things that I really disliked about myself. I always had this habit of saying I would do something and then just… not doing it. I genuinely thought I had gotten over that but here I am doing it again. It makes me feel like… well, I thought all this time while I was single I had really been able to spend some time thinking about myself, thinking about problems of the past, trying to improve on them, and it makes me feel like I’ve failed at it. Like I haven’t really improved at all, like I’m just fooling myself — which is something I can be pretty good at sometimes, unfortunately.
Actually, I had a bit of a panic attack almost a couple of nights ago about it… like, the last year of my life has been wasted. Self-improvement is important to me. If I’ve gone an entire year (or is it two now? Whatever) of being single and not really having improved at all… what the fuck have I done? Has all this time just been a waste? Have I been so busy with all this work shit that I’ve failed to actually take advantage of the lessons it’s presented me with? I’ve noticed that in times of stress I have difficulty adapting but in the period of time afterwards is when I’m able to make changes. I don’t know. I don’t think I need a break right now but I don’t know what I need. A kick in the ass, I guess. But that’s what I get all day every day, so what the fuck? I had a lot of other shit on my mind but I can’t even really remember it because this just… it gets to me more than I’m able to explain with words right now. Like, when you have a problem, and you can almost feel it physically manifesting itself deep in your chest… it feels like a crisis. This past year has drilled into me that, despite being a youngster, I still have a really limited amount of time to prepare myself for my future. And to think that I’ve taken two steps forward and two steps back… it’s frustrating. It’s frightening. It’s infuriating. It’s depressing. I can’t decide on how to feel about it.
My gym shit hasn’t been going all that well, either. I haven’t been eating as well as I should (due to various circumstances out of our control we haven’t been able to complete portions of our project and as such we haven’t been paid in a while so I’m poor and can’t afford to eat like I have to). I went to the gym yesterday and when I left it felt like I had just barely survived being drawn and quartered. I also failed to get a new squat record. In fact, it was ten pounds lighter than my best squat a couple of months ago… best was 345, current is 335. Also I noticed that I misread the provincial records and the best squat is 560, not 530. 30 pounds at that level of training could mean a full extra year of training… and that’s all assuming I stop going backwards.
As if to add insult to injury, all of my single/not-getting-laid buddies have gotten action of some kind. I hate to complain about it too much and come across as a stereotypical male but fuck, it’s been a YEAR now. A FUCKING YEAR. Do you know what it’s like to have a high Testosterone level and not get laid in a year? Well. It’s bad.
All-in-all I’m pretty down about everything. It’s hard to stay optimistic at this point. It would be easier if I knew this was all just stuff that would go away by itself, but… if I don’t figure out what I’m going to do, I’m just stuck… I just feel really defeated right now.