A new life

Incredible. The last time I wrote here was four years ago. I am glad things have changed since then and I am glad OD is back!

Well, where to start. I have a Bachelor in Communication Sciences, I graduated in August 2017. University gave me a new life and many new hopes. I am currently attending a Master in Media Management. When thinking about the future, I have many ideas, projects, but still, my goal is a revenge. I spent more than ten years in psychiatric hospitals where nobody ever believed in me, and where I was just kept quiet and sedated because allegedly I was somehow “dangerous”. Only one person gave me the courage to face new challenges, and this was Doctor Livio, my therapist, the same I was in treatment to four years ago as well. I knew I had to be successful in this path I decided to take not just for myself, but for all those who did not have the chance to find someone who believed in them. All the people I know from hospital are either dead or still seriously ill. I decided that I want to change something, even if something small, but my way along this path will not remain unknown. I had to suffer the humiliation of doctors telling me that I should rather be sterile, since it would be better if my DNA were not propagated to children if I happened to have some; I had them tell me that I looked like a beaten dog; that I faked my inner suffering when I stood in front of them with blood all over my clothes because I had just attempted suicide. They made me sleep on the floor for a week in an isolation cell, like an animal, just because I felt suicidal. They eventually gave me back to my family, and to Doctor Livio, with a message attached “We are sorry, there is not much you can do, just keep her quiet”. I will have my revenge. I swear, they will hear from me again.

For the first time in my life, at University I found friends, not just competitors. I loathe competition, I compete just with myself. In Basel, competition was at its highest levels and I disliked it. It was not possible to make friends, since it was a constant war against everyone. I am 37 years old, I started my Bachelor with 34, so rather old for the task. I found myself wholeheartedly accepted, and I found the way to catch up with a time of my life I had been deprived of. I lived my 20’s through my friends. They are ok with me being schizophrenic and a lesbian, because they appreciate me as a person. Since they think I have more life experience – which they only think, because in fact I do not – I became the person to whom they refer when they have a problem, or when they are in troubles. I am always very much informed about love affairs since they ask me for an opinion or for mediation. I am the first person to whom a friend told about his mother’s death. I am a good listener, and I am patient.

I do not have contact to Marvin nor to anyone else from Basel anymore. It was the best thing to do. Discontinuing every contact gave the chance to move on. My dearest friends from hospital are dead – suicide, overdose, one case of terminal illness, – and a few are so deeply sedated that they would not even recognise me anymore. Marvin was ambiguous and could not take decisions. Keeping contact to people in Basel would only run the danger of keeping contact to Kerstin, and honestly this is the last thing I want.

I am still single, not looking. Or maybe looking, I do not know. I registered to a dating site some time ago, more for fun than with serious intentions. Notice: my intention are serious, I just do not believe this is the way I can find my Mrs. Right. I got to know three women. The first one told me after one month of intense e-mail exchange that she had fallen in love with another woman. The second one showed a sincere interest, but in the end she noticed that I am quite tied up with my family, and she accused me of being “married to my mother”. The third one was really nice, we exchanged e-mails for a long while, there was much confidence and feeling but she is somehow deeply focused on meditation and yoga, in a fanatic way. She wanted to reach peace, she wanted to travel far away to the places she sees when she meditates, and while she tried to reach the Nirvana I noticed that I need a woman with both feet on solid ground. I do not despise meditation techniques, maybe if I knew some I could get rid of some of my problems without external help, but I do not want to go on a trek in the Mauritius just to see a place my girlfriend saw while doing yoga. So, I decided not to force things anymore. If there is someone for me, good; if not, I will find my way alone, as I have always done.

Next week I have a presentation, on Wednesday to be precise. I will have to perform with two of my best friends, Axl and Ely. Since I should try to be convincing, I should rather go and have a look at my part. Before I will do that, I want to see who is still on OD. I am so glad it is back.