Just ignored

The last time I traveled to Basel, I happened to find myself in a curious – and, still, painful – situation. I had just taken place in the train, made myself at ease, as I saw my ex friend Dave and his new wife taking place just a couple of seats before me. I know Dave saw me, because he looked at me out of the corner of his eye, but then he looked away from me and ignored me. 

Now, I think I have to mention who Dave is. Dave and I attended the same primary school, the same middle school and the same High School. We were close friends, and he was my first boyfriend. At primary school, we used to go to the roof of the school building to kiss each other on the lips, with the whole class spying on us. Well, this was maybe still a childish game… but later on, at middle school, despite the fact that we never were together, people considered Dave and me committed to each other. It was like something everybody took for granted. I was never considered attractive or someone who guys flirted with, but I had this friendship with Dave, and it was important to me. I loved Jazzie, she was fancied by many guys and I was ashamed of my homosexual feelings, so that Dave was also a good alibi to make sure nobody would ever discover I loved a girl. 

Years later, Dave and I took different paths in life and we discontinued our contact. I know he got married very soon, after having a new girlfriend almost every week. He married his first wife in a hurry, allegedly because her father was deadly ill and they wanted him to see his daughter happily married before he would pass away. Anyway, after one year marriage, they got divorced. Dave once called me, out of the blue, and invited me for dinner at his house. As I saw his house, I could not help thinking "this man must be gay", not in an offensive way of course, but as a matter of fact. He has everywhere statues of naked men, paintings of naked figures on the walls, precious glass tables, a home cinema, and so on. The typical way a gay man would furnish his flat, and I know this, because I know fellow gay / pansexual people and I know their (usual) taste. Dave told me that his ex wife cheated on him. The truth is, in my opinion, that she discovered his homosexuality. Dave would also always be friends with gay men at middle school and High School: young guys with mental deficit, perfect "victims" of his intellectual superiority, and obviously unable to relate to the opposite sex. During that evening at Dave’s house, I noticed how much a swollen head he has, and never heard from him again. 

Nowadays, Dave goes around in a white Maserati, he works in a bank and sometimes I happen to see him in town during the lunch break smoking his huge cigar and looking around as if he were the most important person on earth. 

Back to that day in the train. I was there, sitting at my place, and thinking over the question wether I should say hello or not. I supposed the woman traveling with him was his new wife, because she is Russian and they were speaking English. After a while, I got the confirmation of this, because I saw them kissing. It was so awkward, meeting a friend who had been so important to me and not daring say hello. Especially since I knew he had seen me. I ended up pretending to sleep until Lucern, when they finally got off the train. For the remaining time of the journey until Basel, I kept thinking about my ex friends and how many people I lost due to my dying in 2005 and my being just the ghost of what I used to be. 

My past is haunting me, even if I try to forget it. As a New Year’s resolution, I promised to myself to feel the Fire of Enthusiasm whatever I do, as well as to let the past go. This second goal is more difficult to reach than the first one. I still have a black list, and the more I know about my ex friends, the more it is difficult to delete this black list and focus on the future. I know that people like Dave do not deserve my attention, but still, his contempt hurts me. Notice that he even sent his wife to the restaurant coach to take some coffee-to-go just because if he had done it, he would have had to pass me by… and he could have no longer ignored me. 

I am angry. Very angry. You see, I try by all possible means to have friends in real life, but it is not meant to me. I just have a couple of acquaintances, that’s all. Athena, who mostly does not even answer my phone calls and never calls back; I think I hear from her once every two or three weeks. I would not call her a friend, but just a person I know and with whom I can spend some nice moments when we have the chance to meet. Aisha and her sister Joanna… I’m done with them. Aisha deemed me at least worth a phone call to say thank you for the cake I sent her for Christmas; Joanna not even this. And nobody had the nice thought to wish me a happy new year. It is always me taking the initiative, and I am slowly fed up with it. I am blessed having Marvin, who is sincere and genuine. If we were not kids inside, we would maybe be in a relationship. But we both do not know how to handle adult behavior. 

That’s it… I am lucky to have my friends here and in general in the virtual world, as well as my demons. Take gentle care of yourselves, and may the Fire of Enthusiasm be with you.