What I have done

Well, I made a mistake. I take it as a short relapsing in an old habit, an old wrong way of copying with stress and pain. On Thursday evening I cut myself. I don’t have anything more to say about it. Just a mistake, plain and simple. 

I talked about it with Doctor Livio, of course. I felt embarrassed because it has been so long since the last time I did it. I thought I was over it. But the urge I have been feeling during the last days was a warning signal that something was about to happen. It is due to my family. My family, the one I love and I hate at the same time. My father has become old. Ok, he is 91 years old so that he has the right to be old, but he is a very difficult elderly. Cantankerous and sulky. Not wise at all. My mother and I have to keep a watch over him 24 / 7, because he is at the present time no longer able to look for himself. We must have ten ears and twenty eyes pointed on what my father does, all the time. He needs help for everything, but he is not grateful for this help. He takes it as an insult. He becomes surly with us, and claims that we are trying to belittle him. He spends most of his time complaining about everything possible, from his ear aid to the fact that sometimes he can’t be in the place where he wants to be because my mother is cleaning it. My mother might have an obsession with cleanliness, but sometimes it is necessary to clean my father’s room… and in this moment, you can bet that my father wants to read his newspaper right there. Moreover, he keeps on denying the obvious. If my mother or I ask him, "why did you touch this glass?", he replies "I did not touch it. I just moved it using my hands.". This is almost a comedy, isn’t’ it? Well, if this comedy goes on all day long, it becomes exhausting. 

Yesterday I met Athena – I was so happy because, as I said to Doctor Livio as well, I don’t have many chances to speak with rational people in my daily life. I see my English teacher two hours a week, Doctor Livio twice a week, and that’s it. For the rest of the time, I don’t have contact to anyone a part from my parents, who are not really rational people. Athena and I had a chat and a coffee, and I told her that I still feel like a teenager, someone who still have to discover many things that people my age should normally already know. As a dear friend suggested, it is important to keep an inner child and the fabulous and imaginary world of a child somewhere within our soul. But in my case, and, as I saw from the notes I got on my last entry, I am not alone, I am fully a teenager. Athena thinks it is because my mother never treated me as an adult, never gave responsibilities and was so overprotective that I could never develop an "adult me". That’s nothing new to me. 

Athena and I then drank and aperitif, she had a prosecco and I had an aperol. I felt a little dizzy since I am not accustomed to drinking alcohol. While chatting and drinking I felt as if I wanted to get a little numb, maybe even a little drunk. I enjoyed the feeling. It was pleasant. Being with a friend, chatting, talking about gossip and superficial things like women sometimes do with their friends… I like deep and meaningful conversation but I also like to speak about make-up, clothes and men or women. I never do it. I came home slightly drunk but my mother ignored it. To prevent her reproaches and a telling off, I told her from the very beginning I had drunk an aperol and I felt a little "happy". That was ok. 

I would like to wash away what I have done to myself, but as I said to Doctor Livio, to live with my parents one needs either an endless patience, a good medication or "emergency exits".