The stalker

I finally find time to write again. Oh my, I have been away from OD for one week. OD has something addictive, usually I don’t resist more than a couple of days without writing. But I have been busy. Mostly with studying English. It is a big challenge. Slightly daunting, at the moment. Not that I dislike challenges, but I realize that I still need a lot of practice to be able to enroll for the exams. I am quite good at writing, but my essays are always overlong. I have difficulties in multiple choice answers to written texts (such as newspaper articles) because all answers look the same… and I am a disaster in listening comprehension. Funny is that I understand what gets said, but I don’t manage to answer the questions correctly. Well, I decided to take the exams in March 2014, so that I still have time. 

Lately, Paolo has become a bit of a stalker. Silly me, I should have imagined this would happen. Moreover, he has become quite ungrateful. Some time ago I sent him a parcel, I think I mentioned it here. He did not even say a real "thank you", he just said "Oh, I got the parcel!", adding that "everything was ok". Maybe he takes it for granted that I send him things. I have been trying to make him lose the habit to call me every evening – I honestly don’t wish such a close contact, I am ready to help him and support him but there is only one person I want to talk to every day a part from my parents, and this is Marvin. Marvin is not my boyfriend, but he is my best friend ever and if I have to speak to someone every day, then to him and not to Paolo. So I started ignoring Paolo’s phone calls, even if it made me feel like a monster. I even talked with Doctor Livio about Paolo’s situation, and he suggested me taking some distance and said that the structure in which Paolo is now might be partially positive for him, since it gives him some limits. Let’s not forget that the last time Paolo fell deeply in love with a woman, he burnt the first letter of her name on his arm using 40 cigarettes and making one centimeter deep wounds. I don’t want it to happen with me. It is better for him to understand that, if he has feelings for me, such feelings are not reciprocated. 

Yesterday I got a text message from Paolo asking me to call him. I decided to call him, and after a while he asked me if we could meet today for a coffee and a breakfast (paid by me of course) in town before he had to go to the doctor. He was allowed to stay out until midday. I refused, on the one hand because today I had to get some homework done and clean my flat, on the other hand because I did not want to see Paolo. I am not cruel, at least I don’t think so, I am just taking distance. It hurts me to disappoint him. He goes through many disappointments in his life already. But I can’t be the one who saves him. Then, he added that it’s a pity we wouldn’t meet since, maybe, I would have bought him a recharging for his mobile phone. I was astonished and I thought to myself… do you like me or my money, mate? It was like a déjà-vu. For a moment I thought about people I loved in the past, like Kerstin or Horny Boy, who exploited my financial resources to the maximum. The difference is that I let myself be made a fool of because I was in love, while with Paolo I always thought I was being nice and helping a fellow human in difficulty. 

After we spoke yesterday at about 9 pm, Paolo called me again at 10.30 pm. I was watching television with my parents and did not hear the phone. I will have to make clear that I don’t wish to get phone calls after 10 pm. Again, if someone may call me at that time, that’s Marvin. He called again in the morning. I ignored it. He left a voice message asking me to call him back. Then, he called once again. I don’t know what he wants, but this has to stop. 

Since I have to learn to be a concise writer and I have a lot more homework to finish, I will keep this entry short… 

Much love to everyone, and take gentle care of yourselves.