Let’s make the best out of it

On Thursday I had my last therapy session before Doctor Livio’s holidays. He won’t be here until August 19th. Always available in case of emergency, but not seeing patients. We discussed again my seeing him as a father, and he said that the first thing he would do as my father would be talking to my therapist. Which both my mother and my biological father don’t do and don’t have the intention to do. So I told him openly… "You know, you are a father I would like to have, Doc". If I am a daughter he would be proud of – this is really the most beautiful thing which ever got said to me – I can say he is the father I would like to have, definitely. But things are as they are, so let’s get accustomed to it. He said to me that I am getting an image of him, like an "internalized Doctor Livio", whom I always carry with me. Exactly as I have an internalized image of my mother, my biological father, my friends, relatives, acquaintances… and that someday, when he won’t be here anymore, this image will always be with me. I was happy when he stopped talking about his "not being here anymore", because this was bringing tears in my eyes. He added that in our therapy there is a person, a professor and teacher of Doctor Livio, whom he very much admire and taught him how to handle with psychotic patients who suffers from illnesses which can be compared to mine. Doctor Livio said that if he had not had this teacher, and his image were not here, he wouldn’t probably have accepted to take me as a patient. Well, I had more than one therapist in the past who decided after a few sessions that he/she could not take me as a patient. But Doctor Livio has been working with me for more than four years by now, and he, I, we have been doing a great job. At the end of the session I even got a cuddle, without even asking for it. Oh, Doctor Livio. Why can’t you be my father? The one I call daddy? The one I find when I come home? The one I can tell my secrets and my worries and my joys every day, not because we have a therapy session, but because you are my father? I don’t want to deny my biological father, but really, he ruined me in many ways. He ruins everything he gets in touch with. He ruined Richard with his wish to make a successful lawyer out of him; he brought his first wife to suicide; he ruined me with his giving me affection only when I performed well at school and his wish to make a lawyer out of me; and my mother… well, she is frustrated in many ways. My biological father is a selfish sulky elderly, he is a "me, myself and I" kind of person. If only… well, let’s make the best out of it. 

Yesterday I got an email from FredyBear and his wife, with birthday wishes and an invitation to a party on August 10th. I called back to say that I won’t sadly attend the party as I won’t be in Basel on that day, and FredyBear asked me for the email address and phone number of Athena. I was rather astonished, because before I give someone’s address of phone number to a stranger I usually ask the person involved. FredyBear replied to please please please ask her, because she is such a brilliant beautiful woman, to fall in love with. Again. I still remember how FredyBear described my friends last year, when I invited them and him for dinner to celebrate my birthday, and he said that they are to fall in love with, with no comment about how I could be. I think it is very rude, but FredyBear is rude. He has no charm. Notice, that party on August 10th would be one of those "BYO" parties: "Bring Your Own", which means, everyone has to bring what he/she wants to eat and drink. It is totally just like him. No style. I don’t know if I will ask Athena if she agrees on me giving FredyBear her phone number and address, because honestly, the only thing I want to say to FredyBear is: "Darling, fuck you". 

On another note, I got a phone call from Pete, that fellow patient in The Castle, telling me that Paolo was desperate because I did not send him text messages for two days. I try to take some distance from Paolo in order not to give him the illusion that I might be in love with him. I spent almost all my life being in love with people who did not want me, so I know what a pain it can be. No illusion, no disappointment. I still help him, though. I sent him a parcel last week, and tomorrow I plan sending a letter, with a twenty francs recharging for his mobile phone and maybe forty francs. I know how hard life for him is. I just want to make clear that I don’t want a relationship. Last time we spoke on the phone he called me "My love" and "My dear". I even spoke to Doctor Livio about it, and he said that some distance is ok. Doctor Livio added that I don’t have to feel overly guilty if I just wanted to help and I was misunderstood, because even being in love for a week can be a nice thing for people like Paolo. He said that while I was able to save a healthy part of my soul, Paolo sadly wasn’t able to do the same. Since I will write a letter tomorrow along with the things I want to send to Paolo, I will try to explain my position once and for all. You know, Paolo is the kind of person who really loses his mind when he falls in love. He fell in love with a girl in the past, and when they separated he burnt a "S" (the girl’s name was Susan) on his arm with cigarettes, but on a very painful way: he needed forty cigarettes for it, and the wounds were one centimeter deep. I don’t want the same to happen with me. 

Well, that’s it… I send much love to everyone, and take gentle care of yourselves!