Open talk about sex

I had quite an open talk with Paolo in the afternoon. We talked about sex as if we were friends since primary school. He was very open to me, and I felt at ease and opened my heart to him. 

All began with him saying that he met a person who knows my brother. They went to school together, and this man said that Richard had always been a very strange and peculiar guy, quite alternative, which made him nice to be with also, and that his stepmother (my mother) was a very beautiful but frivolous woman. Paolo and I started talking about Richard having many women, all quite shabby – really, I don’t know how he can make love to such wretched creatures. I got to know some of them the last time I visited, and it was many years ago – I don’t think they became any better, on the contrary, now they are even about ten years older. Anyway, none of my business. Speaking about Richard, Paolo and I came to the point that Richard is bisexual, as well as Marvin. Paolo was astonished that Marvin is bisexual, and asked me more about it. 

So I told him about Marvin having a sort of relationship with that man, René, and being quite involved in it. Paolo was surprised that this didn’t trouble me in any way, but really, I had my relationships with women while "being together with Marvin" too, so that it became quite evident that between Marvin and me things are not really settled. I didn’t tell Paolo about the agreement we once used to have, "no women for him and no men for me", because it would have just caused confusion. It is no longer in force anyway. 

Paolo then told me something which left me speechless. He said to me that as he was a 17-year-old boy, he once gave a guy a blow job. He is not gay, not even bisexual, and the guy he gave the blow job wasn’t gay either, they just both were horny and there was no woman in sight. So they had fun together. Moreover, Paolo was impotent and he wanted to have sex with girls, but nothing would work as it should have; giving that guy a blow job was a sort of venting his inner frustration for being compelled to keep inside himself all his sexual energy. As the guy he gave oral sex to wanted to give Paolo a blow job in return, Paolo refused. He knew nothing would happen. It must be terrible for a man to be impotent. Paolo was a handsome guy, even now one can guess he must have been a nice bloke when he was young; but he landed in psychiatric hospitals at 17 and he never managed to come out of them. Go figure, he was on 100 mg Haldol a day (!). Plus 100 mg Valium a day. I take10 mg Haldol a day and if you give me 25 mg Valium I sleep for two days, and most probably I have a pee in bed. They totally destroyed his brain, if I think that Paolo studied informatics and had a good job… and nowadays he can’t even read a book, and his guardian decides over him as he pleases. That’s a big loss of dignity. 

Paolo asked me about my first woman. Fortunately, this time he didn’t start shaking and shivering like the last time we spoke about my relationship to women. I decided to tell him about it. Simone was her name. She was blonde, quite robust (like me), with wonderful breasts, nice curves, blue eyes, very pale skin, and she kissed like an angel. Before having sex, she suggested going to a sex shop and buying some toys. We bought a vibrator and a strange pair of slips with a plastic penis, to play the man’s role with. Then we went to her home, and took a shower together. I had my camera with me and took pictures of everything. Of her every move. She was very sensual. After the shower, we made love. It was my first time, so she let me understand what she liked, and she did to me what I wanted her to do… it was very sexy. I felt quite clumsy if compared to her, because, honestly, she was a little a slut – she had many lovers, guys and girls, and making love to me did not mean that much to her -… but it was a nice experience. I played the man’s role. It is what I always wanted with women, be the man. I also used to wear men’s clothes, and to go around as a butch. I felt like a man on many aspects. After the first time we made love, I invited Simone out a couple of times, but we never had sex a second time. I was in love with her, and she gave me the best kiss I ever got from someone, man, woman or trans. Since she was not in love with me, I decided to discontinue the contact in order not to be overly hurt, and nowadays she doesn’t even recognize me anymore. I crossed her way recently as I was in Basel, I was with Marvin and she was hand in hand with a guy – she looked at me but she gave no sign of knowing me. I did the same. It’s all over anyway, but always in my heart. 

Paolo and I agreed on the fact that maybe, everyone of us has – at least a small – percent of bisexuality in him/herself. I remember many female schoolmates of mine, at High School, saying that they could kiss their best girl – friend. At that time I was horrified hearing such an assertion, and as I told my parents about it they said that my schoolmates were perverted and loathsome. Nowadays I just recognize that I hated something I had inside myself, that is, my pansexuality. Maybe for a man it is different, I don’t know. I just see things from the point of view of a woman. Paolo said to me that he always wanted to have a threesome, but never had one. He was offered to have one at the time he frequented prostitutes, but this never appealed to him, because he wanted things to happen because women wanted to make it and not just because they got paid. I can relate. 

Well, I must admit that talking to Paolo so friendly and openly made my anxiety go away. The last time I could speak in such a way with someone was with Marvin, many years ago. I am not used to confidence and being open to people, I usually mind my own business. Anyway. I’m off to dinner now. 

Take gentle care of yourselves.