Weird dreams

Yesterday I had another argument with my mother. I told her that I wanted to take an appointment with the hairdresser on Friday, and I would have spent the day with her and my father, and come back to hospital after dinner. She replied, "You’re not going back to hospital. You’re leaving the hospital on Friday". I was speechless on the spur of the moment. I thought that we had agreed on July 21st. But as I tried to reply, she said to me that if living at home with her and my father doesn’t suit me, I can also move in a flat on my own. She said this knowing very well that I’m not going to do so. It’s just a way of withdrawing affection. So… my time here has been shortened. I will leave on Friday, most probably. I still need to speak with Doctor Livio, but there is nothing we can do. If I ever took decisions against my mother’s will, the reprisals would be too hard to bear. She would maybe mock me every time I go to therapy, exactly as she did at the time I was in therapy with Doctor Gea… oh, you’re going to that shrink again?. I don’t want this to happen ever again. Anyway, I’m going to ask Doctor Livio if I can see him on Friday evening in his office, at our usual time, 5.30 pm. I might need his support if I go back home. 

To some extent I feel I want to go back to my normal life, outside the hospital, but not really under my mother’s control. I hope I will be able to go on studying English, but I already know that I will have to face the problem of having to clean and wash all the time. I just don’t know how to change things. My mother rules the family and my father and I have to obey. Now… I’m fed up with it. 

Anyway… I would like to share some weird dreams I had during the last few nights. Two nights ago I dreamt of being pregnant. I was married to a small, beautiful man, and the only problem with him was that  his job was the gigolo. He had sex with women and got money in return. I was very much in love with him, and also very happy to expect a child. At the same time, I was madly jealous because he had many women wanting to have sex with him. He promised me to leave this job and being faithful to me, which reassured me, but still kept being jealous and I didn’t trust him 100%. On an evening, I met a young attractive girl, Debbie (I still remember her name), asking me about my husband. She didn’t know he was my husband, and started talking about him in a way that let me understand that the two of them shared something sexual. I had a fit of rage and screamed at Debbie to leave my husband alone, and that I was even expecting a baby from him. Debbie was very much embarrassed and went away. As soon as I came home, I started checking my husband’s emails and mobile phone, and found thousands of messages from women; I understood that he had not left at all his job as a gigolo, and I felt cheated upon. Moreover, despite the fact that I was very happy to be pregnant, I feared very much the pain of the moment of the labour. And… it slowly became clear to me that I would have been alone. Then, I woke up. 

Another dream I had was about Paolo. I dreamt to be with him in a remote place, totally out-of-the-way, and to make him a lot of gifts. He was happy, at the beginning, and used to thank me a lot; after a while, he started taking everything for granted and became aggressive. I recall buying him a body cream, one of those after-shower cream to prevent having dry skin, and as soon as he put this cream on his body, he started insulting me. He shouted out loud that I had to stop making him silly gifts, and suddenly I noticed that he had two knives, one in each hand, and threatened me with them. I took the blades in my hands, not even feeling pain, to stop him killing me or attacking me. Then, I woke up. 

My wish to get pregnant is evident in my dreams, as well as the fear to catch the wrong guy. I remember that years ago I had even had the thought of paying a man to have sex with and share some time with. Exactly in the same way as men go to prostitutes. Maybe I fear being a single mother, to pick up a man who isn’t devoted to me in the same way I would be devoted to him. Even if I enjoy solitude and to some extent even loneliness, being lonely is not what I would like for my future. I have always been a little jealous, but even if being too jealous can be the wrong thing, being a little jealous shows that one cares. In my dream, jealousy was justified. 

The dream about Paolo is a peculiar one. He is always in need, I support him very much, and he always thanks me for every single thing I give him, may it be even just a cigarette. Sometimes, though, I have the impression that he very much relies on the fact that I’m always going to save him from emergency situations. He knows that I will always look that he has cigarettes, money for a morning coffee, money for the bus, and so on. I became a sort of mother / sister, and I know he would like me to be something more than a mother or a sister. Maybe the dream wants to suggest that, even if  helping who is in difficulty is the right thing to do, giving too much can turn to a habit for the one who is being given. I don’t know. 

At the moment I’m feeling quite lost, I will conclude this entry here and reply to notes. Much love to everyone, and take gentle care of yourselves.