…and some more pressure

I feel lost. Yesterday in the evening I had a fierce argument with my mother. She said to me that I’m not getting any better, I still am aggressive and self-aggressive and in this hospital I am being taken care of by quacks and idiots (including Doctor Livio) and that she wants to send me to Basel or to Zurich to be cured by professors. I begged my mother to speak with Doctor Livio, but, as usual, she avoids direct confrontation – maybe because she knows she could never stand confrontation with him – and she replied that "calling Doctor Livio is the last thing in the world she would do". I was speechless, like any time my mother yells at me. I just ask myself… why does she have to attack me in this way all the time? Why can’t she see that I need a break from home, that is, that this period in hospital was maybe due to her being too smothering with me? After this terrible phone call, all I wanted to do was to take a razor and cut myself brutally, but then I thought, do not do it, because maybe this is what your mother wants you to do. Her target is driving me insane, so that she would have all the right reasons to send me to Basel or to Zurich to her damn professors to be cured for an illness that she caused to me. Paolo was on my side of the balcony while I was on the phone, and he kept looking at me. When my mother and I finished talking, I said to Paolo, my mother is a fucking bitch. Paolo was astonished. He said to me that never, since we know each other, has he heard me speaking in these terms of my mother. He admitted that he once said those coarse words to his mother, but that never would he have thought I was able to have such negative thoughts about my mother. If he only knew… 

Yesterday Doctor Livio stopped by with the whole clique, that is, his two assistants, a nurse, and a colleague, a Greek doctor who will be here only for two days. They asked me if they could take a look at my drawings. I had nothing against it. They all said that my sketches are very expressive. What’s new… I drew a face, a calm and quiet face, with a screaming face coming out from the ear and disguising itself with the hair; a sort of vampire sucking up blood from his own arm (the title of this drawing is, indeed, "self-harm") and the last one is a woman holding a baby, both with screaming and desperate faces, fading the one in the body of the other (I called this one "motherhood"). Doctor Livio asked me if it is ok for me if the Greek doctor takes a closer look at my sketches, because he found them very interesting. Of course not, no problem. Then, Doctor Livio stopped by alone. We talked for a while about my self-harm thoughts tormenting me especially in the evening, and about my arguments with my mother and the pressure I am subjected to by my parents in general. Whatever Doctor Livio says or thinks, I will have to leave the hospital soon. And however I feel, I will have to pretend it’s all alright, because I don’t want to be sent to Basel or Zurich. I will suggest to Doctor Livio me leaving the hospital on July 21st. 

The psychologist, Paola, stopped by too. She is such a sweet person. We discussed that for my mother it is just a matter of power over me, she wants me at home because as long as I am here, she can’t control me. And… I am still angry. As I express in my drawings, my illness is something nobody can really see, it is disguised with the hair; on the spur of the moment nobody would ever tell I am schizophrenic, but in fact, I am. I see motherhood as a violent thing, the mother has vampire teeth in my sketch and holds the baby with strength in her arms, which are only hinted, and fade away in the body of the baby. There is no borderline between the mother and the baby, in the same way as there is no borderline between my mother and me: I am a part of my mother – in my mother’s opinion and feelings -, like a prolongued arm of her, thus compelled to do whatever she wants me to do. Can you imagine having your own right arm moving on its own, without any control by your brain? Well, in the same way my mother can’t accept seeing me acting independently, because there is no me. 

For the rest, life here on the ward is quiet and calm. Salvo leaves me alone at the moment, and leaves Paolo alone too. Yesterday he was wandering in his underpants on the balcony and greeted me with this stupid silly smile which is typical of him, maybe he wanted to impress me… I just said hello and ignored him. I suppose he is still angry because I gave my phone number to Paolo but no to him, despite the fact that he asked me for it more than once. Tomorrow in the afternoon I will have to go home because Teddy will bring us my father’s new iPad. I hope it will be Teddy, otherwise, his colleague. I must say that the customer service of this company is excellent. I just hope that time at home won’t turn into a nightmare. I really don’t need it. 

Now I’m off waiting for Doctor Livio, reading my friends… much love to everyone, and take gentle care of yourselves.