heal

 Drink-spiking scenario slowly being sorted. Apparently someone in my group spiked a few drinks with MDMA crystals. Still waiting on results. What did I say about ‘clean high’? haha. Perhaps the memory loss is from the combination of MDMA and alcohol.

In other news…

It feels so cold to be alone, but familiar at least.

I feel so stupid, cause even when I think I’ve lost hope, I find more hidden behind nonchalance. Not even I knew that my nonchalant attitude was a facade for hope.

What am I hoping for? I’m hoping that the emotional distance between him and me is temporary.

I’m building my wall back up, but I hope that I’ll only be half-way done when he decides to come back. My better judgement says that I should fucking build it faster and not give him the opportunity again. However, if I come to any harm in the meantime I know I’ll recover well.

Is it hope of this apologetic return that makes me feel so pathetic? And why? Why would it make me feel pathetic when I already know what comes next?

I won’t be so sweet when every last brick is up. From the top of my wall, I’m above the clouds of emotion. I’ll be so logical that you can get as mad as you want, but we’ll both know I’m right. You didn’t know I had this in me. What’s that? Heartless? You want the old me who gave you everything, but you can’t deny that the new me is stronger. I’ll look after myself much better than you did, thank you.

I got off on begging for your dick and on you loving the power. I got off on feeling vulnerable. I got off on you being in control, because I trusted you and I wanted to give everything to you. I wanted you to be responsible and strong.

If I can’t trust you to take control and act in my best interest, your dick is useless to me. It’s not just sexual or emotional. It’s biological – this is how I’ve been programmed.

The wall I’m building is built on broken trust. I’ll be careful every time either of us come close to it, cause it took painstaking effort to build it back up, and I’m not going to let it fall again.