The Wheel

Suddenly it is nearly a new year.  And as always with a new year comes the time of reflection, and resolution.

It has been a good year for me and my family.  It hasn’t been perfect, and at times it has been perfectly hard.  But it is these times of ache, of pain, of fear, that bind us tighter together. 

I realized last night that I have been angry.  It was reflecting back onto me.  I must let the anger go.  Because when the wheel turns back around and I am no longer under, but above, I do not want my behavior of now to drag me back down then.  That’s how it happens you know.  Life is a wheel, and sometimes you are under it and sometimes you are over it, and in those times when you are at the bottom of the wheel and feel the weight of everything lying on you, you have to remember that the wheel is constantly moving and soon you will be on top. 

What has me angry.  Frustration of not being able to control things that happen to me, my family, my loved ones, I suppose is the easiest answer.  Does that make me a control freak? maybe.  Life just happens and you cannot stop those you love from getting hurt, no matter how good you behave. 

I couldn’t stop John from dying 6 years ago….I blamed myself for a long time…I know, I know.  It had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him.  But it hurt everyone I loved and I just cannot stand to see the pain, even still today.  If only………………….

I couldn’t stop MR M from falling off the power pole.  He hurts more than he tells me.  He is trying to be strong, but I see the pain in his face when he doesn’t know I’m looking.  I couldn’t stop the pain caused him when they told him they didn’t want him coaching.  I share his pain on that.

But on to happy.  What makes me happy, there are so many things.  Mr M holding my hand, DJ & JD’s smiles.  Kisses, hugs, my puppy, DJ’s jokes, JD’s love, Mom, Dad, every step my girls have taken since they were born.  I am more proud of them than anything in the world.  They are the best.  I wonder if they will ever really understand how much they really mean to me.  I wonder if I tell them enough just how special they are.  Will they ever wonder, when they are older, does mom really love me?

Now resolute.  What can I resolve from the words I have written?  Concentrate more on the happy, understand you have no control of the universe.  Let pain come, and help it to go.  Love every minute of every day.  When you feel frustrated, just stop, think about the wheel, it will come back around soon.

Happy 2007 to all. rrg