Who I Want…

I’ve been busy in recent days, trying to juggle apartment hunting with freelance work and another, more personal project that’s very important to me.  During these times of introspection, I’ve been thinking particularly hard about what I want from my relationship, my marriage. 

I’ve made two resolutions this year, one which I’ve shared with some, one which will be shared if the time is appropriate, if at all.

This one is intimately related to both; I wanted to write it down, make it real.  See it in text. If nothing else, I can keep this list handy for when I become involved again, and see how close to the mark I came.

Let’s see what I came up with.

I Want A Woman….

–that likes to touch and be touched, affectionately, frequently; from an arm around the waist to a hand on the thigh to a lap waiting to be filled, it’s the small gestures that let you know you are loved (and there is something comforting in someone making the quiet, confidant, proud claim of "mine".)

–that has conviction in her opinions, is willing to express them, and isn’t afraid to get angry in defense of them. She has a passion for her ideas but treats others with respect, even if there’s occasional disagreement. 

–that loves the written word; she doesn’t have to be a writer, but definitely a reader, and someone who recognizes the beauty and power of text.  I hope to find someone who adores the way I write, who is alternately amused and touched and chagrined, and always realizes that I–and perhaps she–will be more fluid in this medium than in spoken word (and loves me anyway).

–that is independent; she can identify as herself and not me, that can withstand the times when we’re both doing our separate things, and that is proud that we are individuals who have chosen to be together out of friendship, desire, love, and respect rather than weakness, need, or insecurity. She is her own person.

–that enjoys spending time with me; independence does not preclude togetherness, which many seem to not realize. It is a conscious choice that strengthens a relationship and ensures that the times separate are not fraught with doubt or jealousy.

–that acknowledges our importance to each other and is loyal to our commitment; Just as she knows I am devoted to her, I know that she is devoted to me.  At times, naturally, other people may intrigue or attract us; this is natural. There are lines drawn and vows to uphold, and she will not betray these. The person to whom I give my heart will know she is First Among All Women, cherished as an equal but not worshipped or put on a pedestal. She views us as a binary star, two parts equal, unable to resist the gravitational pull of our center. 

–that is ethical, and moral; she treats people and animals as they should be, with respect. She realizes it is a worthy goal to make a positive impact on the world around us, and wants to leave the world a better place than it was before she came into it.

–that has a sense of humor, and a contempt for the deservedly contemptible; she can mock or poke fun at others and herself, and recognize that none of us are perfect and that laughter is indeed the best medicine. If she has a particularly sarcastic or wry sense of humor, to complement my own acerbity, so much the better.

–that values moments, and the poignancy of sounds, scents, visions, and touch; she knows that memories are treasure more than any other wealth, and that their creation can be something as simple as a look or as complex as a three-hour discussion.

–that defends our relationship to others; she is neither ashamed nor daunted by criticism of family or friends, and takes pride in me as a partner. She boasts of me as I do of her; she is willing to fight to preserve what is Good, not merely slink away cowardly and let our union be maligned undeservedly.

–that recognizes that sex is important, but it is not all-important; that it is a component, not a reason for a relationship; that there are some things neither of us may like and that it’s acceptable, that it is a phase of life that lasts shorter than that of friendship and companionship; and that can be tender, imaginative, and creative rather than rote.  It is not our heart; it is our hearts’ meeting place.  It is not our soul; it is the communion of our souls.  It is not our love; it is the expression of our love. She has a romantic streak and can be proactive with it, and charm me as I charm her.

–that enjoys growth and bettering herself; she recognizes we’re all constantly evolving and finding ourselves, and staking our ground inch by inch; she enjoys self-analysis and reflection and is willing to challenge and question not only me, but herself, even when it’s uncomfortable.

–that treasures her pain; she knows that we all have scars and battles fought, lost or won. These forge us, and strengthen us. She has suffered, as I have suffered, and emerged not cowed, but determined, courageous, wanting.

–that knows how to enjoy silence; she can sit at my side and just pass time together without speaking. We can take a car ride and enjoy the scenery and view. We can walk together, hands twined or on smalls of backs, unpressured.  Sometimes, a smile is the only word necessary.

–that enjoys family; that wants to create one eventually. She values the bonds of blood even though our parents and children often fail us, but knows that children should be the result of a loving relationship, not the cement that holds it together. Eventually, children leave, and I want someone who will love me when I am old and when I am cold and when it takes half of our day’s energy merely to snuggle closer together–and is worth it.

–that is gloriously imperfect; she is sometimes foolish, sometimes ridiculous, sometimes maddening–and can accept that I know these things, that I know of her flaws and foibles, and despite that, can still look her in the eyes and tell her I would trade her for no one else.