New Start

Yesterday, Pastor Jeff spoke on Matthew 5:4.
      Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.

His message really spoke to me.  I have been so self-hating, condemning myself for many, many years.  I’ve hated me for a very long time and I’ve blamed myself for everything that has happened to me, even if it wasn’t my fault.  I made it my fault.
I figured if I hated me, then everyone else would hate me too.  But nope, it didn’t work that way.

You see, God had a different plan.  He waited patiently until He knew I was so broken inside that I would listen.

This morning I opened my heart and I listened to what people had to say.

It actually started before Pastor Jeff’s message.  You see, in Sunday School we’ve been studying Deuteronomy 6.  The part where God says:  Love your neighbor will all your heart, soul and strength and love your neighbor as yourself.  This is really had for me to do.  Because when you hate yourself, then how can you love yourself or anyone else around you?  My teacher, Mark Christopher, has been praying for me to understand.  He sends me emails every so often and lets me know he is praying for me.  Well, yesterday morning before Sun. School started Mark and I were talking.  He looked at me with tears in his eyes and he said:  "Carol, you my dear have no idea how much this church family loves you.  This family loves you deeply.  We have watched you struggle only to see you bounce back.  We have watched you give when we knew you had nothing to give.  We love your music ministry.  It not only blesses you, but it blesses us."

I sat there.  I had no idea that  people even cared about me.  Or wanted to care for that matter.  Why me?  God said:  "why not you?"  "You’re my child.  I’m your Father."  "I have mourned for you, and now I’m comforting you.  Let go and let Me have control.  I can restore broken friendships.  I can put love into your heart.  I can and will bless you abundantly."

So today is a new day.  I’m starting over.  I’m putting a new chapter into this life of mine.  I’m letting others bless me.  I’m letting God have control of my WHOLE LIFE.  Not just bits and pieces, but the whole thing.