A Look Into The Past

  Holy Cow, I can’t believe it’s been so long. I know no one really reads these anymore, but I still love writing and decided to write. After I had read a few entries and thought to myself, "Wow, I’m so different."

  I always thought I hadn’t changed too awfully much. But in the last few years, a lot has happened. I finally fell in love, and I got pregnant and had a baby girl new years eve of last year. I gave up on Joplin, and acting. Well, acting for now. Depression really takes you over, and it’s horrible. But Phillip has always pushed me beyond compare to deal with it, and not complain. Because only I can fix it.

  I think it’s good to keep a diary, because you can look back and see how you thought, how you acted. Therefore, you can kind of see yourself through other’s eyes, and see what they saw. Whether they said anything about it or not. We tend to think of ourselves as great beings, who dont do much wrong, which isn’t true. Never realized just how much I complained or how rude I could be to people when I felt offended. I would have handled a lot of things differently, seeing through my eyes now.
 
  But you can never go back. All you can do is say, "Okay. Lesson learned. Lets move forward."

  Well, I am in kind of a pickle right now. I’ve got an 11 month old daughter to take care of. Phillip has an older daughter, Cierra. She’s got a mother who is a cold stone "human being." I put quotes around that because, well, she exhibits behavior of someone who isn’t really all there. She doesn’t show emotion, she’s tried to kill not only Phillip but his brother but also his brother and Travis. Travis is the father of her son. She also doesn’t care about her son, and says "that’s not my kid anymore" like it’s nothing. But to Cierra, she claims otherwise. She gives her ridiculous excuses, and she believes them because A)she’s 8 and b) she sees her mom as her idol.

  Also. Phillip. I did something that I’m not proud of. I snooped. I found that he had been emailing other women, telling them how attractive they are, flirting with them. One girl he spoke of he couldn’t handle her sexually. One random chick emails him and says "You’re attractive" so he says "You’re attractive, too. This is off to a great start! Listen I cant keep talking on facebook but I really want to continue this by text." And the other day I saw that he was telling some chick that he misses her.. soo soo much.

  I don’t recommend snooping. At all. But I never really trusted him. From the beginning, I had been warned that he was a man whore, and all this and that. And he has never been a great boyfriend. I found out I was pregnant just as I was finally  getting the courage to breakup with him. I wanted to keep the baby a secret, but in the end, I felt as though that wasn’t fair to my baby.  But now I’m at well what does he really feel for me? He use to cry when I’d try to leave. Now he’s just like whatever, when do I get my daughter? I wont settle for less than joint custody (which he usually doesn’t say, and I’d never agree to joint. He doesn’t pay that much attention to his kids anyways. He just wants to feel like a good parent.)
 
  Don’t get me wrong; he’s not an awful man. He does have a good heart, and he makes me laugh, and sometimes he can show he genuinely cares. I just don’t know that he genuinely wants us together. to be honest, with all this dishonesty and flirting I see myself falling rapidly out of love with him. I’m not sure I want to be with him. Maybe it’s truly me here only because of our daughter. He’s lazy, wont keep a job, and I’ve always been the financial stability. I’m tired of it. Even our pastor says, "Get out now, Michelle. You’re seeing your future with him with rose colored glasses. You deserve better."

  He’s an amazing friend, and he gives great advice. He’s just a horrid boyfriend, who might still be hung up on his crazy ex (Who names themselves Fuji?! Who, btw, knew all about me, and tried luring him to her place while I was at work so she could hold him etc etc how she misses Cierra, him what they had and wishes my daughter was hers. Uhm. What? Looney tune, someone needs to throw you BACK in the bin) I think he’s destined to hop from girl to girl until he dies (he has horrible vices that’ll kill him and are currently doing so)

 I don’t know. I hope the answers come clearly and I’m brave enough to make them.