Giving up friendships, obsessions no good fathers

Its really hard to give up things you love to gain something greater. This was NOT an easy lesson to learn this past, oh, few weeks/months.

 First of all, my two BEST friends, I told goodbye to a few weeks back. Maybe we’ve reached the month mark by now, I’m not sure. I miss them so much, but I HAD to do it. Because in all reality, they weren’t that great- in the end at least. 
 
   Liz- who’s got this insane anger problem. And a beef with my roommate that i never understood… She couldn’t take one joke, one night, and she was so incredibly selfish I couldn’t take it. I wont delve into specifics, that would take paragraphs. I should have handled it a little differently, but I didnt. And I believe in fate- whats meant to happen, happens.
 
   Lauren- she was, in the end, all about the drama. She was always telling me her woes of friends who stabbed her in the back and I thought Shit! Finally! A person who truly can sympathize with me. She decided to up and say, Well, uhm, I have some problems with Michelle, too. Um… WTF?!!?! I told her to bug the fuck off- she was incredibly stupid. I dont feel bad about that choice after the decisions she made.

  But I do feel a void in my life- I watch Supernatural, and so do my parents, but not with the passion that we all watched it. I had Mel, but she did her disappearing act, as she always did…Lauren and Liz screwed me over (though yes, I probably helped- but your friends, especially your best friends, should be proud you got a scholarship to do what you want to do- not be jealous and tell you to come home!) And The Tudors- but there.. I have my roommate Blaine. She loves the show, too.

   But, my obsession with Supernatural is coming to an end I think…. Jensen Ackles, my long time celeb crush and second favorite actor (sorry, he cant trump the cartoony, vivacious and truly remarkable Johnny Depp..) He apparently got engaged to girlfriend Danneel Harris. I’m sorry I judge him for this. I dont respect this (and its not to do with jealousy. Yeah im jealosu of her, but she’s not classy. At all. I met her, I’d know.) So now he’s not longer my number one (replaced with Henry Cavill, from The Tudors. Look him up- hes so classicly handsome, it’ll make ya sick) It makes me sad. 

    But these obsessions I get- it takes it all out of me. When I really like something, I am very passionate about it… Acting, writing, Supernatural, The Tudors (show and history) Jensen, Henry. Its like WOW.. I need to tone the passion down! But when you’re a passionate person, its hard to squash.

     Oh, and not only do I still feel a little lonely down here (more details about the progress in that area in a sec) but I get this totally RANDOM ass email from my father’s brother Mike… He said he got on Facebook just to find me. Creepy, yes? Well, seeing how I hardly ever saw the man, yeah it is. But him and my father have always been at a bit of odds with each other it makes sense he rarely saw his nieces. (i felt bad for the guy that the son he thought he had turned out not to be his- the poor kid had so many mental/health problems cuz his mom was a crack head among other things)

    So basically he tells me he’s sorry about his alcoholic brother and how he has treated me… and sends me alongto my grandma bert and her email (to which i do email because she was always good to me, always wanted me in the family) and he tells me how im his favorite, always have been, im the better daughter, im prettier, and im the heiress to his small estate- he doesnt want Brittany to have it because she’s a money hungry little spoiled brat (AHA! FINALLY, I get some recognition.)

     But all this IS weird to me still, and I’m trying to take it in. I had quite literally just made peace with the fact that I’d never see my father again, and he was no longer my father. (course, I get famous, his greedy paws, along with that daughter of his and my damn half sister will try and milk me, but they wont get shit) I tell him I’m sorry- I will NEVER reconcile with my father and half sister Brittany. He is the optimist apparently, and thinks time will heal all. He says he knows I’m like my father and Im stubborn, but i should make the first move cuz he knows we both have rooms in our hearts for each other.
   
    Fuck no I dont. And he doesn’t get that. He knows I’m damaged, but shit. He thinks that I’m going to parade back into the family that never accepted me BECAUSE I was a good student, had high moral and standards and wouldn’t become an alcoholic slutty partier at eleven? Mmmhmm. Cant wait to getback to that! OH. And the fact that I’m not catholic, altho, they aren’t technically anything.. I mean my father’s dad is like one of those annoying dudes with red hats… Forgetting the name.. but my mom wouldn’t let me join some daughters/grandddaughters of those guys cuz the higher up they get they become corrupt, which I could see Ned doing…

     Not only that, but he wants to see my reconcile with my sister. No. She’s no longer my sister, and he’s not understanding that. I guess its commendable he wants the family back together, all happy and joyful, but its NOT going to happen. I’m being peaceful with him because he’s never done me any harm, neither has Bert. But the rest of them? I dont give two shits about, I’m sorry. Time has healed my heart in the sense that I’m healing finally… And they’re not going to break me again.

     And a small part of me cant help but be suspicious. Here I am, starting to have success in the acting world, and maybe they want to get in my good graces before their motive is obvious, and they contact me after I get that big part in some movie…Like Twilight or Star Trek- I dont know… but I’ve never really trusted them, and it seems awfully odd it took so long. Facebook has been up and popular for what, four years now?…..Maybe five?

      Anyways. So I’ve been making myself go to parties and bars where the people are to make myself become part of their incestuous little theatre group. It all really kind of started when I went to this cool little bar off main street to see Trevor Hall play. Never heard of him before, but now i LOVE him. He’s very original in many senses- he’s white but plays some awesome reggae, and he’s very hippy like, obviously, and his songs are awesome. Some of the people from the dept were there, including my illustrious mentor Brett… Alycia was there, along with Todd. Went to Ihop after.
 
      And Martha had a party where she lied and said it was 4 people there. Turned out to be quite a bit more… trickery kinda worked- I began talking more. I think it was the first real conversation I’d ever even had with Todd… It was another warm up- by no means did I strike out of the park. I still worry too much about what I’m going to say, and I feel awkward, which makes others feel awkward.

    Yes. I am an actress. And I’m not the best socializer. We’re not ALL the same! Gah. If I hear that one more damn time… I’m shy sometimes… I need to get that out of the way…

     My birthday was the 18th of this month… went to Buffalo Wild Wings. Officially in LOVE with their boneless…. Wow so good. Got my drinks bought for me. First time I was tipsy in a long time.

      I finally did a monologue decently because I actually… TRIED haha. I was doing Maggie from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I think it was mostly the fact that I was afraid to fail if I put my heart into it- so illogical in many senses, but what happened nonetheless. (I had to make up for BOMBING my Exit the King audition… I cant do improv. I SUCK. Then again, I have NO experience…But, practice makes perfect.) Now, we’re in our Shakespeare segment.. I’m chosing something from Romeo and Juliet-and thats because I love it, and no one else seems to be doing it in class…

      Oh here’s a quickie for ya–my brother went psycho crazy on my family that Saturday night I went to Marthas in fact i had to leave early. my sister called me in tears- dylan (our bro) had a mental breakdown and was apparently going to kill himself… i almost drove to KC. (thankfully my uncle talked me out of it) My parents called the cops and they took him to the hospital- my mom was freaked- she said Dylan had the devil in him… long story short hes still at home, still nutty, but sane enough… I think he has narcissistic disorder, maybe some bi polar, depression and anxiety.. plus he has this hatred towards mom thats scary- and not completely logical.

      So, tomorrow I’ll work on that, and Monday perform it. I get to go home on Tuesday, and we’re celebrating my birthday!! I’m taking my mom and sister to see New Moon (they loooove it. I got over this a long time ago lol but I’m not disgusted yet, so I’m still seeing the movies. And I’d like to audition for the last installment- keep your fingers crossed for me on that one)

     Roommate situation- its going fine, I suppose. We get along. I mean, thats what you need in a roommate. We’re not close and probably never will be. That’s really kinda what you need in a roommate. I lived with a best friend I loved to death and it threw us apart violently (tho, lately we chat every so often on facebook..) Just like the job I loathe, its not permanent.

      and thats how to look at life- nothing is permanent. It works for the hard times, but for the good times, its really depressing. Life is depressing- always working to better yourself, only to have another flaw come up to fix. Its a never ending cycle.
   
      But, to be the optimist I’m working towards being- just because life keeps trucking and you will keep being flawed, and keep making mistakes, at least have a hell of a good time in between and give em hell! and a good time 🙂