hell

        Wow. Could life just get any more…. I hate complaining. I know there’s thousands who have it far worse than I do. People in other countries whose main concern is eating… but you cant help but  feel like falling apart sometimes.

        This weekend has brought stress and failed hope on my family, and brought the weakness in my mother, that so cripples her, to bring her to her knees and take off again. She use to be stronger than this; my stepdad has brought her to a very pale comparison to what she use to be when she was a single mother to three kids.

         Firstly, on Friday, somehow, she decided to start yelling at me (and sticking up for my dim-witted brother, something she never does) and of course, on the defensive I tell her to back off (I wasn’t on speaking terms with my brother for various reasons) and she starts laying into me more and more because I’m ignoring her, and telling her we shouldn’t talk about such things when she’s so stressed out. I wont lie. I dont like to lie and I pride myself on my honesty. But also I try to talk about things at the appropriate  times. But she doesn’t stop. She proceeds to throw a vaccum down the stairs at me, and tells me I’ll never marry or have children. Yeah I know, owch. I tell her to keep going, she keeps putting dents in our relationship. She keeps going. Whatever. I go for a walk to blow off steam (it was late, so my sister insisted on going with me)
 
      Well, next morning (yes, I was "thrown out" again, but I stayed. She’s ridiculous) She comes in and wakes me (I went back to bed because I had a humungous headache) to "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" at the top of her lungs, throwing things, dylan and her throwing insults back and forth, and her shoving him out the front door, literally. 
 
       So, here I am. In the middle. Again. She forgets she decided to be mad at me, and starts sobbing on the phone to my stepdad about my brother. Turns out their argument stared over Dylan not having a ledger for his bank account. Yeah. She’s crazy, quite literally. So I have to take him to his friends  house. (Whats weird is the night before I had a dream where he was saving my sister and I, I wasn’t even conciously happy with him at the time)

       so she starts telling me all about her ‘terrible life’ and how this damn nurse practicioner or whatever gave her a massive amount of the sterioids she prescribed her and it could have killed her and so its causing her to act this way, and she’s going to sue and bla bla bla and h ow I shouldn’t "make fun" of her because would I make fun of a retard?…. Yeah, whatever. Hon, I suffered clinical depression, and I had to pull myself out of  it. You yourself told me to suck it up and do it! MY mother is a walking contradiction. Anyway, she says I dont have it like she does… and keeps mentioning my scholarship and whatnot…
 
      Well, I have worries of my own. G etting my scholarship settled, financial aid to pay the $200 leftover and my books and my rent and some food, hopefully, and oh yeah, FINDING A JOB. This market is ridiculous. The greedy have totally fucked over our economy for the rest of time…. The greedy should WROT in hell.

      Anyways, my mom has my stepdad come up here to get her (they’re driving back cuz she doesn’t trust my brother wont hot wire her car. lmao its true though) And has left me to be mommy to my little brother and sister. Something I’ve done since they were born. I just wish she’d stop running away from her problems, and leaving them all to me. Or my grandparents. Stop running f rom her own children because she cant handle what life t hrows her way. Things she brought upon herself, I might add. Taking off from an extremely well paying job just to get away from her son is pathetic. And I’m glad she finally feels guilty about that.
 
     But I’ve got my own life to live. My own decisions to make. I’m tired of making her decisions for her. Or well, trying to. Since she can never make a right decision for herself. And she’s finally respecting my point of view because its right. She married Dylan and Shannon’s dad to give me a dad. All she got was two more kids, and he fucked up her oldest daughter (me) in the process. So then she married Mark (current stepfather) to give us all dads. And in the process, made herself fiercely dependent and stuck. She doesn’t love this man, and never really has. Not romantically anyway. Something I pointed out to her WHEN I WAS ELEVEN.

     Anyways, I’ve got my duplex now down at school, and a whole new life before me. I’m finally treading down the road to my dreams of becoming an actress. I’m reading. I’m practising. I really want to be as good as I can. I want to be enjoyable to watch. I want to take people on a journey. I want to make a life for myself and finally be happy. Honestly, I dont know happiness. Its pathetic but I dont remember a time in my life when I was happy. Its depression, of course, and its something I work hard towards defeating every day. I dont give up. I’m strong. I’m very independent. I do what I can to survive and strive to be happy. To be the opposite of what my mothers become.

      And now that my grandpa’s sister Betty died last night, it puts things into perspective. It usually does. May you RIP Betty