I was…

I was a happy child,
Quite meek and mild,
Ever so smiley and loving,
Alway laughing yet understanding…

Sometimes thought as,
An old soul in a young body,
Because the mind of me,
Too nurturing for those older,
Even though I was much younger,
Too willing to silently listen,
Too young to have such patience,
Perhaps I did grow up too fast,
And that’s why the laughter couldn’t last.

What happened to yesterday,
When I could so easily get lost in play?
There’s much stuff that I must do,
To restart my life anew.

I miss my capacity to laugh at everything,
It pulled me through the torments life would bring,
Have I lost my light inside?
No, I know it has not yet died,
I know that I still have this light of mine,
I just need to live, to again make it shine.

The End
Sky Lark Crow
11.18pm 1st June 2006

***

Quite honestly, I’ve been feeling depressed which has been making me do some really stupid things.
I just have to pull out of it long enough to get through my exams and this last assignment due in 8 days so that I can go home and rest and rejuvinate and renew myself. I’ve got to find that focus again which has left me.

***

I find it very hard to explain Tbear and myself to other people. And I won’t to most.

The thing is, we’ve been best friends since the day I met him. He was my online friend for about a year. I used to just talk to him online coz we were both on the same mIRC channels. He would always give me his phone number to call him but I would never take it. Still, for a whole year, we kept talking to each other online. My only excuse I would ever offer him for not taking his number, which he would just quite gentlemanly accept from me is "I don’t have a pen to take it down." and that was good enough. He wouldn’t question that and just keep talking to me all the time he saw me online anyway and he was great to talk to amongst the many people I would chat with online. He was just one amongst everyone else really.

Then he came to my town. When we first started talking he was in the neighbouring town, which is why I didn’t mind talking to him coz I thought that I would never meet him, so he wouldn’t matter. Anyhow, he came to my town, and still kept giving me his number, still accepting my same lame excuse. One day I took down his number, but telling him anyway that I didn’t have a pen to take it down. I gave him a call a couple of hours later after I got home and our conversation, whatever it was, was fantastic. We got on really well over the phone so I would call him all the time and he would call me often enough, but we still didn’t meet until a few months after that. I don’t have a log of all that because I only started an onlinediary a year or so later after he and I met I believe. Or I was too messed up about other things before which was always on my mind, so his name never popped up much.

The day we met, things also went fantastic. We just got along so well, it amazed me. So we ended up hanging out almost every other day, because he didn’t like the people he was living with and didn’t really have many friends in my town at that time. I didn’t really have anyone else to hang out with either, so we were each other’s solution. At that time I was between trying to get over my ex-bf whom had dumped me about 2 years before that, and was going through one online relationship to another. I didn’t consider real relationships coz I just didn’t trust people anymore. I didn’t mind friends, but that was all that I could take, and I didn’t date anyway.

So Tbear and I hung out a whole lot and I only saw him as a friend, and he only saw me as a friend and things were great. He would try to get me to date though once in a while, but other people. Like he tried introducing me to a couple of his friends whom he thought were nice, but they were really not my type anyhow, and I’d just laugh with him about it. In fact, one of the guys he tried to set me up with, he later found out was a junkie and I was like "Shit! YOu tried to set me up with a JUNKIE??!" I remember, the guy’s name was Sara, and Tbear was like "Hell! I didn’t know!!" hahahhah So we could talk about anything at all, girls, boys, cars, I’d listen to him go on and on about computers. We’d go have lunch, tea, dinner and just hang around together, go for movies, sometimes he would come to my Uni to help me sort things out coz he was bored and didn’t mind accompanying me. He was the greatest pal a person could ask for, and really he still is.

But along the line I think a part of me knew that I was going to fall for him. We hung out so much that when he went back to India (that’s his home) to sort things out for a few months, I felt so broken from not having him around that I swore I would not get back into the routine of hanging out with him all the time because he made it clear from the start that he never wanted to live in Malaysia, that once he was done in Msia, he was gonna leave for good coz he hated the country. I never questioned that so I always knew he would leave, and perhaps that’s why I always denied that I could have any feelings for him. I knew that even if I did, there was no way I could have him anyhow, and no way he would stay for me because I wasn’t the kind of person he was into. I still ain’t.

I still remember walking through Jusco, MidValley with him one day after a movie and we were talking about my ex, and I told him that he was just soo much like my ex, that I could never think of dating him. And he said "Does that mean you think I would hurt you?" and I sorta told him, yeah… Coz one thing for certain, he knew that I didn’t trust dating people anymore because I didn’t want to get hurt. Unfortunately I was right about that. I am normally right about stuff I would rather be wrong about. But that seems to be one of my curses in life.

I don’t know why the heck I let it happen… Probably coz like everytime my heart’s fallen, it was beyond my control. Anyway I got an email from him saying that I’m acting like a 12years old coz I’ve been depressed and he can’t understand why and he said that I shouldn’t keep him in my head and heart because he certainly doesn’t have me anywhere in his head and heart. hHAHAHAHAHAHAH I knew that. It’s not like that I don’t know that. Still I feel hurt. He’s Jackle and Hyde on me. One day we’re the best of friends, next day he’s spitting on me. It’s all got to do with meds. WHen he’s off his meds and his head is clear, he’s spitting on me. Just coz I said I was depressed and asked him to say hi if he could.

Sometimes I email him not expecting a reply. Most of the times really. Coz I know I’ll get replies like that and… I don’t know why it hasn’t broken me yet. It should. I need it. I seem to be the kind of person who needs to be beaten til broke before I can move on. I should never have told him I loved him. My entire life, that’s my one single regret. How pathetic is that?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH I’m so fucked with myself. Why am I depressed? Coz I hate myself. Simple as that.

I got to go make sense of my damn assignment. Yeah I am glad he’s going to be in Delhi and I won’t hear from him. At least I won’t have my computer turned on waiting for him to say hi then. Pathetic really. I should have followed my own advice to myself in 2001 and stayed away from him. Shoulda known by then that my premonitions were real.

Take care and be well all.

God bless

Sincerely,
Laughing at how Pathetic I am