The PC’s Rumbling

I can’t sleep, waiting for the rumble of the computer,
To let me know you’re finally here,
Anytime between 3am to 5.30,
So really sleeping while I wait is an impossibility.

Ever so often the pc would make a sound,
And I’d wake up and look around,
Checking the monitor to see it’s not you,
Trying to sleep again, feeling a little blue.

Then I hear the rumble again,
My head’s already in a lot of pain,
But I look up anyhow,
And smile, coz it’s finally you now.

And sometimes we talk for an hours,
Which hinders my days progress,
Coz my headache just doesn’t improve,
Thus, most of my day I lose.

SO sometimes when you come,
Asking if I’m still sleeping,
And I wake and we talk and you get busy some,
Just ignoring me, I don’t mean for it
But it’s not just my head that starts hurting.

I’d rather you say you’ll be too busy,
To really want to talk to me,
And I’d be able to turn off the computer,
And find the sleep that I need so dear.

Coz now as long as the computer is on,
Everytime I hear that rumbling sound,
I wake up, even though I know it’s not you,
It disturbs my balance, I can’t really make do.

And my dreams have been disturbing,
My days, short as they are, are too long and too tiring,
Worst off because it’s from not being able to do anything,
I’ve been losing my focus on living.

There are days when I want to turn off the computer
And hell just not talk to you at anyway,
But that really makes me feel like a deserter,
And it ends up just hurting my day.

I wish things weren’t this way for me,
And I wish that you could just see,
I wanted to stay your friend even though I fell for you,
But you’re making it so very hard for me to do.

It is really worth losing myself,
In the struggle to hold on to you?
And I hate always having to ask myself that question too.

The End
Sky Lark Crow
7.55pm 25th May 2006

***

The truth is, having our little 5-8am chats have been coming with a cost.
A cost that I really cannot afford to pay.

***

Yesterday he came on at around 4.50am, a good half hour before usual. Which is why I can’t just set my alarm clock and turn off the computer until just before 5.30am when about he usually comes. Coz sometimes he comes earlier, sometimes he comes later – by an hour… And I’ll get a msg "You still sleeping?" And I feel obliged to be awake to talk to him, but at the same time it’s really ruining my day coz my sleep patterns horrendeous, and I can’t go to sleep too early anyhow. I tried sleeping at around 10pm and waking at around 4am, I used to do that when I was in high school so that I could study for exams. But I can’t seem to get into that now. I end up waking up and feeling blah and well it’s all bad. I enjoy talking to him when he does want to talk really. Which is why I leave the computer on at the stake of my sleep for it. But sometimes like yesterday, things get in a way that makes me wonder "Why the heck am I awake at this time to talk to you when you’re gonna abuse me about insignificant stuff anyway?" Then he was busy updating his blog and downloading stuff that he stopped talking to me completely for 20mins, and Im having a splitting headache. So I leave a msg to say "If you want to talk buzz me," and suddenly he is talking again wanting me to check his blog. Then I go check and get someone else to check it coz my computer can’t read his codes. The he stops talking and my headache’s worst and I’m waiting and I decide to just go lie down but leave the computer on. Half hour goes by, almost an hour goes by, I buzz him twice and no reply, I don’t know what happened, so I just leave a msg saying "Bye Take Care, I’ll talk to you when you get out of hospital". He’s on tranquilizers coz he’s been so sick, so he said that he was gonna he hospitalized today.

The good thing about that is that I should be able to sleep at night without waking up at 4am and leaving my computer on for him to buzz me. Coz my headache hasn’t left me for days now. My exams start in less than a month. I’ve got two assignments due that I still haven’t made sense of. I’m not blaming him, I’m blaming my reactions to him.

Anyway, I’m gonna let myself have a pizza. My sister called to talk to me today so that was really nice. She told me that she’d pay for my pizza hahahaha Coz I told her that I’ve been sick for a week and not really eating properly at all, and she got pissed coz my exams start on the 19th so she told me to buy the pizza and she’ll pay me back for it when I see her in Adelaide in July. ahahaha Same thing my friend Sreenadh said when he called me yesterday and I told him that I hadn’t wanted to buy my reading materials coz it cost AYD19. He said that he would wire me the cash to buy it, but I told him to shut up. hahahah 🙂 It’s not that I don’t have the money, it’s just that I don’t want to spend it.

I can normally just convince myself to feel good. But that’s not been working lately. I think it’s coz I really just feel messed up and ain’t been able to sort it out. But I have to sort out at least enough to get through my exams or I’m pretty much dead.

It sucks when you really want, and really don’t want a person in your life, and the person you really want and the person you really don’t want, is the very same person who means way too much to you. Die to walk and die to stay.

It’s just not something I can deal with right now. So I really hope that he’s hospitalized and can’t get on YM and I can just refocuz on my own life at least long enough to get my act together and get through my exams. I don’t mind being in this crap if that wasn’t on the line for me. After all, it’s an accumilation of 3 years of crap anyway. I’ve lived through it so far. It just sucks that this quite realistically a fairly small matter can impact the rest of me so much that I’m hating my extire mode of existance because of it. I’m just too far away from all the activity at home which used to distract me long enough from each moment of these thoughts. The gaps used to be longer, now there seems to be no gap between one wave of depression and the next.

Let me die in my sleep. Drowning in the tears I don’t weep. Let it all end with death. From this life that’s become a cruel trap.

8.28pm now Maybe pizza will make me feel better.

Take care and be well everyone!

God bless

Sincerely
Barely Lingering