I’m so Tired

I’m just so tired,
Loving you till distraction,
Making me empty.

I’m just so tired,
Finding someone really nice,
But still wanting you.

I’m just so tired,
Having you fill all my dreams,
Yet crushing my every reality.

The End
Sky Lark Crow
16th Jan 2006

***

I can really blame no one else but me.

***

I don’t know what it is about me that still makes a guy want to fuck me but never love me.

Still hooked on the man who wants me to entertain him with unspeakables over webcam, yet will never want me as someone he’d want to have by his side. Not as someone he’d be proud to call his girlfriend, a person he cares deeply/romantically about, someone who could be his significant other for even a short temporary period of time. I don’t know why my heart won’t let go. Perhaps the fear that if it lets go of him, it’ll latch on to someone else similar to these guys who only wanna use me, and latch on to someone who’ll actually use me to abuse instead…

There’s a part of me that’s just dying for intimacy, it’s madness, it’s drivinging and drugging me to insanity.

I just want to be lesbian, forget having a man in my life and find a woman I can really be with, but I feel such a great need to be with a woman sexually while I still hold back when I actually am with a woman, that I wanna shoot myself… Been hooking up with the kind of gals who are into men, not the ones who’d wanna be with me in that way… Man, right now I’m so amped to just have a fling with a woman it’s not funny. Honestly, I just want a girl out there who’ll let me love her with my body and that part of my mind that’s so cued to sexual pleasure, even if its just for one night. I want that one night to forget everything else.

My ex came by today at around 2.30am. His intention was to jack-off. He didn’t mention while we were talking on msn that he wanted me to ‘help him’ jack off with more than just watching. But once we were both in the car, in a private spot we found, he realized quickly that I had no desire to touch him though I told him that he was free to jack off if he wanted to… Before he came to my place I was thinking that perhaps I could help him if he would fulfill certain conditions, but push comes to shove, he isn’t the one who turns me on anymore, and he isn’t the one who makes me want to get physical…

It’s crappy, almost awkward. I felt bad that he drove all the way and I couldn’t help him in any way at all.

I’m so glad I’m leaving in Feb. Got to leave this crap with both the guys for good.

I’ll let the hell keep up until I leave, and then it’s gone, never again will I let myself be the pawn these guys attempt to use.

I’d rather lose my best friend than to lose myself.

Take care all…

God give you and me the strength to do what’s best for our lives.

Sincerely,
The Gal Who’s Lost In Emotion