Sunday morning

my mind must be less tense in the AM, and those odd thoughs come in.  this am as I read Facebook, I noted  at truth to myself  about one of my lifelong friends.  In college she was very competative (this is not the same person from last entry)  She was a barral racer. (barrel racing is a cowgirl sport. Ride your horse in a pattern around 3 barrels and then race to end–goat tying was another one (men tied cows, women back then, tied goats  )  anyway, We have remained friends for 40 some odd years.  She is competative in everything she does. We were both studying ART back then.  I graduated and got married, she got married and didn’t. (about 10 years ago she did go back and get her BA in ART)  Times must hav empoved the art teaching world, as she learned how to sell her art via mass production.   She has been putting pictures of her pencil drawins of rodeo art on facebook, gaining support from viewers, for some time now.  at first I thought it was like bragging, but now I see it as her way of gaining confidence. and that has been her whole life long need. To Win, and to prove to herself  and to others, her worth.  that is not a bad thing, and I know where her sense of worthlessness comes from.

She was molested as a child by a neighbor. As a therapist, I have run into adults who have survived this type of trauma many times, they all have low self esteem.   Excelling in something is a coping skill, and I think; works.  

My friend shines with a sense of self, and a on going need to prove her self better than others — in a nice way–or at least in sports and i her art.  AS we age, sports become limited.  She has not ridden a horse for many years, and doesn’t even own one now. But her Art is growing and expanding.  I smile at this and wish her more and better.  She is a free spirit at heart and finally coming into her own (a second marrage in her early 60’s)  Yet the need to suceed, the need to compete is still there. and probably will always be there. It is a part of her. 

At our age, we are all what life has made of us.  And what does that say of me?

My body aches too. back, hands (espesilly when I type– but I don’t stop)  I ride a gentle 3/4 broke mare– not every weekend. She has leg / food problems too .   But I am gaining some confidence in my riding back, and as I do so I am gaining confidence in my life andmyself back.

now I reflect– when did I (or we) lose it?  oh yes, bad marriages for both of us… not physcally, but the 20 year wear of verbal slights.

so learning to ride again (ride by the seat of your pants is more than an expression) as she is learning to trust her ability to create Art; we both are in same spot.

For me it is not about winning, or selling, never has been–but that is me.  For me its about gaining trust in myself again. ah. my late life expands before me  !    (and I say that knowing the main challenges of those over 55, is "what do I do now?".  for me it is –learn to ride.