266. insane

 ive lost all motivation to write.

and even read.

i bought myself an xbox on black friday to occupy my overthinking about scotty.

he showed up at my house that night.

to apologize for the way things went down.

but remember we never fight when were in person. so everything was just kinda silent.

no words as usual.. like were supposed to not talk about the situation. and just move on together like it never happened.

more harassment kept coming in.

so i opened my mouth and continued to talk my shit and blurt out dates and times when hed see me. which pissed everyone off. mostly him.

she still takes pictures with him. and blah blah blah.

so last night it got worse. and i said everything i had to make him irate.

which he called me off ians phone tonight.. cussed me out. and screamed at me ten times "DO YOU LOVE ME?" ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION.. i kept replying you obviously dont love me.. then hed ask again and demand an answer.

so when he kept asking and asking i finally said yes.

and then he said im full of shit.. because i jeopordize his relationship with his children every time rikki and i fight.

well whatever.. she shouldnt be contacting me.

its all bullshit.

and i sit there and deal with it.

i STILL deal with it. for some reason i cant shake him off.

so the status on us is that were going south. shits not getting any better.. thats whats supposed to happen right?

xbox cant even take my mind off of him.

im so weak. because i just cant face the fact he doesnt want me.

i refuse to believe he doesnt love me.

its sickening of who ive become.

and im still forcing myself to take him back when he comes back around.

because he always comes back around.

FML

-L