252. what went wrong. (pic entry)

from top to bottom..

thursday was the viewing for william.. i had driven to toledo to pick up marisa.. (our black girl ;] who is 8 months prego with her second kid) me b nasty (britt) and kayla left after i got off work on wednesday.. drove down picked her up drove up.. dropped b nasty and kayla off. then she came back to my house where she was staying. scotty was visiting with his youngest while we drove to toledo. i had asked him to see me by the time we got back..

when marisa and i were settled.. she started braiding my hair.. like always ;] scotty called me in the middle of it.. and said he would come to the viewing and see us.. he was just so tired and exhausted from driving around doing errands all day. i was disappointed and he could hear it in my voice.. he apologized and said he loves me and that hed try to see us tomorrow morning. k fine.

thursday rissa and i woke up a little late getting ready.. then we grabbed some lunch because our stomachs were just fucked. i had called scotty 10 times by the time we got to the viewing.. he called back once. but i had left my phone charging in the car.. so i missed it. i called him 30 or 40 more times throughout the day after that.. no answer. i texted him asking if he would go with me to drop marisa off since i didnt wanna drive myself back.. no answer.

i was growing more and more pissed off and depressed from him not answering. i went to the bar after dropping off marisa driving an hour all the way back and just got shitfaced. which i got snapped a picture with my fav bartender kelly. who was helping me laugh instead of cry. you can see rissas artwork that was incredibly painful.. i had a giant headache afterwards.. 

so after getting shitfaced.. i went home and crashed. got up at 6am bright and early. and waited for wills funeral. i was balling my eyes out in bed.. nothing seemed to be going right.. after an hour scotty attempted to try and wake me up.. yet i was already up. we were so not on the same page. i was a mess.. he was apologizing.. he slept for 18 hours on thursday.. and when i missed that call.. he woke up to call me back then fell asleep. i was so pissed.

i just kept getting more and more rough. more shit was going wrong.. then he said he was hungry.. and i was hungry.. and i knew i wouldnt see him all weekend.. because its his turn to have the kids..

so as i kept getting more emotional.. i called scotty back and said i was hungry.. so i went and got him.. and we went to eat.. after i took him to get paid.. he kept saying he wasnt hungry.. but he finally ordered something when the waitress asked him. i ate the whole plate.. and brittany was blowing up my phone running late.. as was i.. i had to drop scotty off and go to the funeral. so i told brittany to wait in the parking lot for me.. turns out i beat her there.. 

oh my god it was terrible.. b and i lost our shit. we balled.. then we all rode in my car to the graveyard.. which was a good 15 minute drive.. then all the way back to mamamias which was two seconds away from the funeral home..

now let me get in to the details of the end of wills funeral… we were balling in the funeral home during the services.. after we said good bye to get in our cars.. theres four of us in my car.. me b.. b’s mom.. and b’s boyfriend. b’s mom sat in front.. nick and brittany sat in back.. and i drove.. the entire way to the grave yard we smoked pot.. we were second to the last car. and wills best friend krista were driving behind us. we got super high and started laughing uncontrollably.. then crying all over again.. then laughing at something will would say..

when we got to the graveyard they gathered us in a room with william.. the room was small.. and they were saying a prayer.. b’s mom was somewhere in the middle.. me nick and b were in the back corner.. b was next to me and nick was in front of me.. everyone bowed their heads to pray.. but nick and i.. couldnt bow our heads.. there was a HUGE wasp in the room hovering over our heads.. and when nick noticed it.. (this asian guy right).. he said "BEE".. i couldnt refrain myself from laughing.. i bowed my head down and tried to hold it in.. but every time b or nick looked at me.. id laugh even harder.. the bee or wasp whatever the fuck was getting PISSED and freaking nick out even more.. and everyone is looking down with their eyes closed and were losin our shit in the back corner watching this bee.

when we got out of the room we were directed to return to our cars and go to the luncheon. which was back by the funeral home.. britt had to pee.. theresa (b’s mom) was balling.. when we left the grave yard nick and i just kept laughing.. all of our emotions were fucked.

then.. b announces that its not pee she has to do.. its poop. so we all started laughing again.. i mean uncontrollably.. my brakes SQUEAL very loud so each light we stopped at everyone stared.. ugh. we even laughed pulling in because they were so loud i could just hear will saying.. "look who showed up" haha

so b is in the back seat freaking out telling me to stop at the bp.. nick noticed a spider outside of his window.. my car was low on gas.. so as im pulling in the turn lane to turn into bp.. the spider nick noticed was on his hand.. so hes FREAKING out in the backseat.. and brittany is trying to jump out of the car while its moving because she was about to shit herself and run away from the spider.

theresa asked me what i wanted to drink.. and i got out of the car laughed so hard i cried.

when we got to the luncheon we ate.. and then i had to go to work.. so i dropped them off at the funeral home where their car was.. called scotty.. and he mentioned he was going to try to see me saturday.

i was ragging so dick was out of the question.. but we had been sexting here and there.. when i got home to change scotty called me again to talk to me.. and told me his plans..

 

HERES WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG. after i went to work i busted my ASS. got home after midnight.. sent scotty a text saying how happy i was with him and thanks for being there even though hes been sick and ive been all gloomy. i put my phone on silent because i didnt want to wake up from anyone since the lack of sleep ive been getting..

i woke up at 10am saturday. i had 15 missed calls from scottys house and cellphone.. and two voicemails.. the first voicemail was from him that said "call me back bitch".

the second one.. was rikki.. "hey you fucking slut guess who it is its your BEST–" disconnected.

i tried calling his cellphone.. it was off. then i was like fuck this shit. i wake up to this bullshit? fuck no. fuck that.

i went off… through texts.when he would turn his phone on he would get a shit storm of hell.

i was SO confused on why he would do this tho.. this didnt seem real. i know he has some warmth in his heart. yeah hes fucked me over a few times.. but theres no way.. he would just.. shack up with rikki like that.

but my mind was shot. i was getting drunk after work not telling anyone what happened.. but going insane.. i was super depressed.. yesterday he wrote back.. that he was the one blowing up my phone.. he call

ed me to come get him. because his oldest daughter asked for rikki to stay.. (rikkis not his oldest daughters mom).. rikki went through the phone at 630 in the morning and found my number.. started threatening him for calling me.. and she said she was going to call me. she confronted him about calling me and he told her he was trying to wake me up so i would pick him up.

i didnt find any of this out until last night.. so when he responded through text i was at work.. and i was blowing up his phone.. he wasnt answering.. id text him the stuff i wanted to tell him.. and he wasnt budging.. so i just got even worse.. i told him "dont fucking flip the switches on me. if YOU were in my shoes. you would call me a sad ass liar and accuse me of at least sucking his dick behind your back.. blah blah blah"

he responded.. but BARELY. he picked out the texts he wanted to respond to. then i told him i was driving to his house and i didnt care anymore. i was making him talk to me.

still wasnt answering. but i drove there. he answered and acted like he wasnt at home. so i asked him a thousand times where was he at. and he said give me a minute.. and hung up. his mom came outside.. and said hi to me. then he finally came out.

relief.

he said he was going to chicago to work for a week.. but first he said he was never coming back. so i pretty much was like wtf?

when we get together after a giant phone fight. were not fighting. ive noticed that. i noticed we forget what we argue about until we have a solid amount of alone time to talk about it.. i wouldnt want an arguement to get escalated in a vehicle. if it did escalate. so we planned to get a room. i was hesitant at first.. but i wanted to get through this. i was looking down.. he told me he was gonna shower and stuff.. so i said okay. and he clarified again that we would for sure sleep together.. i was still looking down and he grabbed my face and kissed me. i went home got some stuff.. left my computer home.. then picked him up.. and we got to our room.

it was weird.. we were just laying there.. not saying much.. then we started getting into it. i started saying my frustrations.. my concerns.. and my trust issues with him.. and my hatred towards rikki. i asked a question that set him off.. and his voice started getting louder.. so i gave up asking him questions.. i got up from the bed and packed a bowl for myself.. and started hitting it.. he got up and came to where i was sitting and hit the bowl then sat it back down in front of me.. 

he went back to the bed and sat there.. i crashed my head in my hands sitting at the table… it was just dead silent. then he started talking.. i dont remember exactly word for word.. but he told me he couldnt even explain how he felt about me.. or explain how much he cares about me.. he pointed out that ive been there every single time no questions asked.. which isnt somewhat true.. i ask questions but i still do whatever. whenever.. however. he told me that he doesnt want to make me emotional.. but he loves me for the way ive been there.. every. single. time.

he said he doesn’t blame me for being stressed out completely.. losing my mind. he told me he knows hes dragged me through hell and back.. and he realizes throughout our relationship there was a lot of shit he shouldnt have done to me.. he told me that it might not mean much to me now.. but that he is sorry.. for everything he’s put me through. he told me he knew he was hurting me.. and sometimes after he hurt me he didn’t know what to do or how to do it to fix things.

he agreed that he would be extremely pissed with me if the roles were switch. he told me hes shocked after all hell he’s put me through im still there for him.. he told me how much i went through everything with him.. 

this entire time he was talking to me i didnt say a word i just sat there and looked at his face a few times..

i hadnt heard him compliment me that way in a long time. i think the texts i sent him earlier of me hating myself got him thinking. after he apologized for the hard times we had.. i tried to remember the last time i heard him say sorry.. like sincerely sorry for something hes done.. a big thing hes done.

i cant remember.. we both think that our living situation right now is what is making us go crazy.

im constantly craving to see him. lay with him. be lazy with him.. fall asleep around him.. but we have two separate houses that are already occupied.

i think if we lived by ourselves we’d be so much happier.. so much more involved then in outer space.

anyway.. he ended up laying me.. we fucked hard.. he even took a few minutes to just kiss me.. he rubbed my back.. he brought me taco bell and cigarettes..

and at the very end.. he started talking again.. he said "im not talking about money when i say this.. yeah youve shelled out a lot of money for me.. but when im back up.. i will make it up to you.. im not talking about just money.. forget that.. i will make you happy.. i will turn it around.. after all the court shit.. the kid stuff.. and when were on our own stable.. i will make it up to you.. after everything youve been through. you have every right to be stressed.. and angry.."

 

what a weird exit right? wtf does that mean? youre not talking about money? then what are you talking about?

idk. plans are back on. i got up at 6 to take him home so he can get ready to leave for chicago.. he kissed me. told me to go get some sleep. and thats what i did.. slept in his spot with his pillow.

he told me he’d call me before i went to work. i told him about this house i seen.. i might have to check that out while hes gone.

in a way im kindof relieved he’s gone for a week.. i can stack and not worry so much about where hes at and what hes doing. idk

heres some pictures to look at of my amazing william 09/15/2012 and even shaggy who passed 10/30/2010.. my 21st birthday was the best birthday.. i cant believe two of my friends are gone..

love you all.

-L

marisa.. me.. william.. nadine.. and brittany

brandon and shaggy =[

this picture is insane to me. it makes me cry looking at it.. both shaggy and dubs are signing my 21st birthday poster.

dubs in front of my house =[

shaggy carrying my fat ass. see that pink shot glass? they were looking for that beer pong ball for OVER two hours.. haha

=[ william

you can see shaggy bitching out meek next to rissa.. this pic cray

.

my gay white boy got more action with me than scotty ever did ;]

im framing this one ;]

i wish i knew how many people came.. for some reason i was really horny so i bent over in every pic

me dubs and britt at the hoedown. =]

william was such a ladies man.. =]

we took this one for scotty ;]

williams 25th birthday =]

he was so happy.

 

im out of here.. i keep crying. =[