238. divorce

 today while i was at work.. my mother told me my parents are getting a divorce.. it was HER choice. tbh i knew it was coming about 2 years ago.. but now that its hit me. i was absolutely crushed. i cried the whole way back on my delivery. i cried in the store.. i cried cutting pizza.. i cried making the pizza.. when becky was asking me if i had any siblings.. i couldnt stop wiping my face. i have no siblings.. its just me.. the OC

my parents got married when my mom was 6 months pregnant with me. theyve been married for 23 years. my mom got pregnant at 19 because she wanted a kid so bad. she held my father down and made me happen. my parents met on my dads birthday.. and partied into my moms birthday. when i was two my parents bought our house that we’ve been living in for over 20 years. 

my dad used to be a twig.. now hes an alcoholic. my mom is a workaholic.. who just doesnt want to be married to him anymore.

i guess what hurts the most is that this is reality now.. lawyers are soon going to intervene.. and my parents marriage will be officially over.

i had told scotty over the phone and he immediately said oh no.. tears still well while typing this.

 

i know no one died.. but something died. and it fucking sucks.

scottys working til 5am.. i made him some food to eat when he got in.. and had dan cover my open to close shift so i can get my head straight.. im just losing ALL motivation at this point.

im blowing my money away. buying bullshit. im starting not to care. im slipping in school.. im constantly bitching about work and the people who dont know what theyre fucking doing when they work.

im turning into a psycho. just one thing after the other.

the only time im happy is when scotty is squeezing me in bed.. fucking me until i get off.. even if it is for 45 minutes.. and constantly making me laugh.

just one kiss on the skin sends chills. were talking about getting an apartment for us.. so no more far away hotel rooms. he told me hed cover the rent if i just fill it up with whatever i please. and of course those ideas are flying through my head. so much thought has gone through me i know im overthinking.. and stressing.. and i know how i am i will get impatient.

ive wanted for so long to live with scotty.. just be sleeping and he walks in and crawls into bed. and vice versa.

moving out of my "in the process of divorcing" parents house.. is now on my mind. i had mentioned to my mom how i was thinking of an apartment.. i just wanna get away from both of them and let them do this on their own.. in no way do i want to be a part of their "splitting".

only time will tell at this point..

im off to bed.. figuring out all of the bullshit i need to do tomorrow.. scottys happy i got it covered so it will be less hassle for the both of us.. and then after our long day of sorting out what we need to do.. we can be lazy.. and set a day to look for places..

i mentioned i wanted to look around.. he told me i can look without him if we have no time.. just let him know which one i like.. and how much and we will go from there.

by myself i can afford an apartment.. and so can he.. so why not right?

my emotions are just flat out exhausted.. i cant wait until he crawls into bed with me tonight.. even if it is 5am.. he told me to go to sleep and when i wake up he will be there =] that makes me feel better.

hopefully i will feel better tomorrow after i accomplish something out of my long "to do" list..

i know my parents divorcing at age 23 aint no big thang. but i feel for it. =/

-L