225. sex

last night i went to corey and ashleys and spent time with them after scotty and i talked. i was holding kayli (youngest daughter) and kelli was walking with me and ash up to mickeys for an ice cream. i told her the whole story.

then after the kids went to bed corey ash and i smoked a lot of pot.. it got me laughing.. and my nausea went away.. then my aunt texted me asking to smoke with me.. so i drove alllll the way there…

note. my aunt is a heroin addict pillhead.. shes not on heroin anymore.. but she was just recently diagnosed with MS.

her drug of choice that she takes too many of currently: soma.

google the symptoms if you must. but that motherfuckin pill is the devil. never have i tried.. but just watching my aunt not being able to eat or talk.. or even walk for that matter.

i got there and she was completely fine. we went out to the garage to smoke.. she started breaking up weed and repeating stories shes already told me about 10 or 15 times.. as shes talking.. im reading other peoples diaries on OD.

then she asked.. so how are YOU? i talk here and there.. being short.. then she asked how is scotty.. so i threw in some idks and talked for literally about 5 minutes straight as shes rolling this joint.

all of a sudden. she stopped rolling.. in mid roll. and she was completely mush.

her mouth was shaking and she kept falling over with her eyes closed opening them up trying to roll the joint then falling back out.

i was absolutely livid.

this isn’t the first time ive seen her like this. she’s done this to me in public. i had to wake up her 15 year old son.. at 11:30 at night to help me drag her fucked up self to her bed.

FUCK that pillhead shit. THAT makes me absolutely sick.

anyway. i took some of her weed and left. i was just so fucking pissed. i didnt care. she knows i hate that shit. so she pops like 7 or 8 somas right before she invites me over.. ya. NO.

i went back to corey and ashleys to watch true blood with them. and ashley knowing that im preggs and my situation she was just so sweet to me. corey has no idea. she REALLY wants me to just block scottys decision out and keep it.

i texted scotty while he was at work.. to text me if he wasnt working all night. that was around midnight. at 1am i went home and laid down.

scotty texted me at 2am asking if i was sleeping.. i said no. and that i was still up. i asked him to come over and smoke if he wanted.. he came to my house.

as i was walking to my car to get weed he told me to forget the weed and get in the windstar. so i did.

i told him about my day.. he told me about his.. we talked about my aunt.. ashley.. corey.. the whole shpeel.

then out of no where he says.. “you know i should fucking kill you right?”

the way he said it was just fucking chilling. it moved me the wrong way.. my whole body tensed up and then my stomach just crumbled.. so i rolled down the window for some air.

i replied that i was sorry for crossing the lines.. i knew i had used every card against him and threw it in his face. i knew that day we had the screaming match was the end. but i figured it would blow over.. since i got news two hours after the screaming match.

i told him the reason why i flipped out. he told me he was puking on my birthday. i get it. i really do. i know youre sick. whatev. i told him i was just waiting for him to disappear on me like he always does. that im so used to him dipping out on me for no apparent reason..

the whole PHONE thing.. when he didnt want a phone. never carried one.. always threw them out the window of a moving car. he hates when people try to get ahold of him. yet this is years ago.. its still a part of our relationship.

i know during the screaming match i called him several names that made him irate.. i repeated myself several times with these names he cannot stand. i also accused him of using me for sex money and my car.

when he threatened destroying my car.. i told him thats because his broke ass jealous hoes can’t help but to vandalize and steal from me since im the moneybags..

it was much more rude im sure.

but back to us sitting in the van calmly.. he said to me very slow.. and very clear.. “i want you to know that every time im down and out.. when i had nothing.. when i needed something.. even when i didn’t need something.. you were always there.. no matter what. you never bailed on me. every single time. and I thank you for that. you need to know that i have NEVER used you. for sex. for money. your car. and i also want you to know that when im up.. you will get everything back. i did not forget of what I owe you. i remember almost everything as much as you do. i will get you back. thats as far as the money situation.. and fixing your car.. as for the sex part. you know that i have NEVER used you.. and if anyone was using someone for sex.. you were using me at times.”

he was staring at me.. i was looking out the window.. my face mustve looked horrible.. the first few sentences my face was a pure frown.. the ugliest face you make before you start to cry..

i didn’t cry. but that face was there.

it went silent for a while. we started talking normal again.. but every once in a while he’d bring up the argument.. of him being mad at me..

then he made me an offer.. he offered to give me what i wanted.. as long as i knew that it was possibly the last time.

the offer was sex. and yes i wanted multiple orgasms so i instantly took it. we drove to a room at 4am.

everythings.. so fucking different.. im crying as i write this.. he fucked me.. he fucked me hard.. long.. he still treated me the same in bed.. but it was before and after.. that fucked me up. he kept saying no promises.. this might be the last time we sleep together..

and my dumbass just didnt believe it.. it didnt hit me.. i was like yeah yeah yeah were just gonna get back together..

the next morning.. i took him home.. he invited me inside.. i gave him head.. because i wanted to get him off.. since he didnt when he fucked me. before we went downstairs he kept saying things about him being mad about the fight.. then when he noticed my reaction he apologized for being an asshole to me.. he was just still so angry.

we went downstairs.. he laid down.. and got up to finish in my mouth.. i told him id keep doing this for him if he just got over this shit.. he said he didn’t think it was enough..

he came.. i laid down on my side.. he got up and walked upstairs and left me down there.. i stared blankly..

like wtf is going on..

when i left he hugged me. and i was on my way.. i texted him about future plans.. and he said he didn’t know how he felt about it..

i texted back when i was at work.. “its really over isnt it?”

and he wrote “i think so”

i vomitted in text messages telling him that we always get through this shit.. i cried hysterically EVERY time i got in the car for a delivery.

im so shocked in myself that i didn’t try harder when he was telling me about the “last time”..

im so heartbroken.. i hate myself.. this is why my first girlfriend amber left me. i knew where it hurt.. so i punched as hard as i could.. and now he doesn’t even want me around him..

i continue to cry.. i feel so lost.. he’s leaving me.

he’s wait

ing for the abortion to leave me..

im so devestated.. every thought about him.. my eyes well.

i tell him to just tell me we’re over completely so i can throw my hope out the window.. i just want him to get it over with.. but he says he doesn’t know what hes going to do about us..

but he “i think so.” that its over?

i cant write anymore.. since i have no tissue and can’t breathe out of my nose..

the last message i sent to him was “do you at least still love me?”

no response.

im so miserable.. i just want him on my side.. and i pushed him too far away from me..

he finally lost interest in me.. there’s no more spark in me for him.. its fucking over…

and im.. the biggest mess right now.. realizing piece by piece.. how much of a fucked up human being i am.

-L