221. red

wednesday night i went crazy.

i have never witnessed myself become so angry.. ever. i fucking went psycho. i had just got off work at 6. i came straight home.. and my cousin showed up at my house.. so immediately we head to the bar. we were drinking heavily.. i had about 3 boombas (which are tall ass draft beer) and 4 or 5 shots with my cousin.. i called scottys phone.. and he turned it on. so he answered..

he asked me where i was and who i was with.. i answered.. then he said quickly.. “let me call you back.”

we sat outside for a cigarette and sure enough he starts walking up.. he has a beer with us.. tells me hes going home to shower and go to work all night. cool.

he brought me a beer before he left kissed me 25 times in a row and then he left. i sent him 5 text messages of how happy he made me.

all of a sudden. the fucking shit hit the damn fan. my phone.. BLEW. i mean.. flooded with text messages and phone calls from rikki..

i fucking went off a nut. i screamed at rikki and i texted back. i was so drunk. all i wanted was to fucking find this bitch. so i told her… “lets fucking go”.

she claimed he was on his way to her and she and him were going to fuck while she called me. uhh.. bitch? lets fucking scrap. right now. i will come to you by myself. i do NOT give two flying FUCKS about who youre bringing. BRING THEM ALL ON THE BIGGEST AND UGLIEST BITCHES YOU KNOW SHIT FUCKING BRING THE DAMN COPS IF YOU MUST.

she pussied out. and kept talkin shit. i shut off my phone.

i called scotty off my cousins phone. and i sware I mustve blasted him with screaming. in that very moment. all filters were gone. i exploded. and to my shock he didnt hang up. he screamed back.

i threatened rikki with the sex tape we made. i threatened so hard she sent me her email. of course i wasn’t going to do it. even as drunk as i was i knew better than to actually send it to her. but i had NO hesitation in bringing my phone and playing it in her fat fucked face.

she STILL pussied out. and she lied the entire time about him on his way to see her. because if he was around her.. he would not be screaming at me for screaming at him. i could hear corey in the background (his co worker) asking why were screaming at eachother.

scotty threatened to kill me if i sent the video. and i told him to come fucking get me.

he screamed at me more that I know how he is.. and he would not hesitate to fuck me up. I pushed him. I didn’t care. I was sent way too far over the edge.

I drove my cousin to my house.. and dropped her off. then i took off.

i went straight to my best friends bar. she wasn’t working.. but these two strangers at the bar paid for all of my drinks and food as i continued to get wasted.

i called my best friend who wanted to go to her bar. so i left and drove to her house.. i got in her car.. and we drove back to the bar. i didnt stop drinking.

i blew up scottys phone and he didnt answer. he finally called back after i blew it up 40 times.. i answered.. he asked me if i was hurt or in trouble.. (because I texted him that I was in a situation of weakness surrounding me since he knew how drunk I was) I said no. i just lied to get him to call. he told me after his strip at 2am he would call to arrange a meeting to talk this over..

he hung up. i blew him up 50 more times at 1:30. he never answered.. he never called.

i went off on my mother. my best friend. my cousin. scotty. rikki. and the whole entire two bars I was at. i even called scottys brother wellz.. and cussed him out too.

i screamed at everyone of their flaws. I didnt hold shit back. i started walking home which was 5 miles away. ashley picked me up in fear of me going to jail.. i shouldve. im so surprised i didnt hit anyone.

i woke up in my bed and realized my car was parked around the block still at ashleys.. i sent scotty 100 text messages of more non filtered shit. calling him every name in the book. i blew him up 50 more times. i went to work at 4.

i worked my entire shift.. and thought about how I reacted. I apologized to everyone.. except rikki..

i apologized to scotty the most. i had no right to threaten the video.. i told him he knew how drunk i was.. because we were fine and i was having fun. i told him that i lost all control because she got my number. and this. fucking. killed me.

i apologized to ashley.. who threatened our friendship in response to my reactions. i explained to her of why I was so angry. while i was going off on ashley and my mother.. they had no knowledge of why i was so angry.. they had no idea it was from rikki.. until i was sober.

i started sending scotty texts that would eventually make him respond to me. and he bit. not very hard though. enough for me to come over and we got high.

it was completely silent. i lost all words.. i was so angry at myself for making a fool out of me. but he of all people should understand why i snapped.

i said i was sorry once more. i didnt touch him.. or hug him.. or cry.. he told me to destroy the video because there was no way i was going to hang it over his head. which is understandable. i cant even trust myself with that thing. so i deleted it.

i asked if i could be hugged and he did. he kissed me on the cheek.. discussed our working plans.. and went back inside.

he also told me to eat something and go to bed for as long as possible.. because oh my god i hadnt looked in the mirror.. i was a mess. i didnt eat.. or sleep.

the next day which was yesterday.. i asked him to see him.. he barely responded.. but i left him alone. i went out with his brother and ashleys husband. guys night out.. corey (ashleys hubs) invited me. they paid for my drinks all night. i brought them pizza. we smashed.. and went to a bar i had only been to once..

and that once.. was when i met scottys dad.. scottys uncle.. and scotty made me hug everyone in his family. i texted scotty what i was doing.. and i told him i missed him. he said he wasnt getting in til 4 or 5.

i told him id stay up just to see him. he told me i didnt have to and i should go to bed when the bar closes. i told him id be up.

after the bar closed we got high for an hour. i took one of the guys back to his place and went and smoked more at scottys brothers house wellz.

i was there killing time til scotty called me. i was pretty fucked up. when scotty called me i got in my car. and he asked me where i was.. so i said around my house.. and then he asked again.. and i said your brothers house.. which i know is sending red flags in his mind.

i drive to his house and wait.. he gets in the car. he asked me what i did.. i told him each event. then he asked “did he try to fuck you?” and i said no.. but i told him he was bad mouthing scotty trying to break us up and lead me that way. he asked me what he said.. and i told him “he said you love the drama and you laugh when me and rikki fight”

he said hes going to say something to him. ugh. just leave it alone. i know his brothers fucked up and is just jealous of him.. blah. why cant everyone be friends?

he kissed me a lot though.. since we didnt kiss the night before due to him being angry with me. i got him hard and then he went to bed. i was just making sure he would still get hard. idk why i did that. i acted like i was going t

o pay him a favor but i didnt.

and then he went inside.. i drove home and it was 6 am.

went to work at 5. just got home. gonna stay in tonight.

my birthday is on the 6th. i really dont know whats in store. nor do i care anymore. ive been getting shit on. and ive stopped caring about peoples feelings.

all i seen was red. i hope i never go back to that much overloaded anger.

but im shocked he got over it within hours. if this happened two years ago.. or three.. i don’t think we’d be talking at all.

i left him alone all day today. i know hes got his kids with him. im just gonna watch a movie and probably go to bed.

hopefully something good comes out of my birthday.. i hope he gets me something.. or does something cool.. he’s missed all of my birthdays except my 21st.. and he only ate me out as a gift. psh.

whatever. my mood is still down. im not happy. but im not depressed like i was.. or a raging alcoholic mood.. im just.. blah.

work and money is going good. school is starting back up soon. idk.. hopefully i have no more episodes of that shit.

-L