215. proven wrong

it has been absolutely ridiculous how paranoid ive been acting with scotty. i hate to say it but every chance i get i dig through his phone and read the e-mails between him and rikki.

and every time i read them expecting to find a reason to scream.. im blatantly hit in the face with him appearing to be 100% real and he tells her OVER and OVER he’s done with her.

now don’t get me wrong. i could be right with my suspicions since i am never present when he sees his children. but so far so fucking good.

it almost makes me sick to my stomach that i am so paranoid with him. yet i tell myself its because of all the BULLShit before. i do believe i have a right to be paranoid.. but every time (which has been often) i feel like im going to catch him.. or read into some horrible details that will make me cry and leave him.. he shows me up and shocks me. i mean literally im too shocked to even say anything.. then i feel dumb as fuck afterward.

let me just start from the top.

monday we got a room.. we got it pretty early. so we spent the entire night there with just us in a room. which was pretty sweet. but it wasn’t the best time. i was annoyed. i was annoyed with him..

he was talking to me about rikki.. which sent me on edge. and i know he was telling me things about her to make me aware that he wasnt keeping anything from me. but he told me that he loves rikki as his kids mother and that is all he has left for her. which made me cringe.

after i cringed.. he told me he doesnt love her like a girlfriend and then threw a bunch of labels out there.. “the girl he loves” the “girl hes with”.. blah blah blah. “wife material” blah blah blah.

he also told me that she is trying ever so hard to get him to come over without their kids present. which honestly made me feel faint as if i was going to throw up.. i wasnt showing any of these emotions.. but i was feeling them..

he asked me what was wrong a few times.. and i just said nothing as if it didnt phase me. after we started having sex i got over it.. he was doing all of the right things.. he was pulling stress out of me.. he paid so much attention to me just by doing little things and kissing me on the shoulder and neck a few times. whatever made the chills come out.. then he fucked me. and i have never been so wet before.. it literally felt like hours. then he pulled me on top of him.. where it took literally 2 seconds for me to get off. and he kept holding his nut in trying to last. the entire time since we got the room we kept talking about our favorite position that we planned on saving for last.. we didnt even get there.. and to my surprise i couldnt even continue anymore.

he gave me a break.. and we were laying there in silence with the tv on.. all of a FUCKING sudden.. someones literally trying to break the damn door down..

scotty was at the door holding it shut.. me having no clothes on he tells me to look out the window to see who it was.. when i said ‘some guy’ scotty tells me to get in the bathroom.. so i locked myself in there.. he opened the door and i guess when he did that the guy was already walking away into the room next to us..

so scotty yelled do you have a fucking problem.. and the guy started shutting the door after he walked in his room so scotty with no shoes no shirt on kicked the door in.. and he told scotty he had the wrong room and he was sorry..

scotty came back and i was already dressed clenching my phone when he came back.. he told me it was a mistake and i was in pure panic mode.. he tried holding me but i was just so shaken up i crawled under the covers and he told me not to start..

it took me a while but i got over it.. we ended up fucking again.. ordered some food.. ate.. laughed and i fell asleep first and he held me the entire time.. the next morning i took him home then came home and was being lazy..

i went to chem class at 6 and got out at 830pm. i went to jrs for a drink and scotty was working until 5 am. i got pretty buzzed.. and by 11pm i wanted weed.. so i texted my “best friends” corey and ashley.. and none of them responded.. so i was driving around my house looking through my phone.. and since corey and ashley live ten houses away.. guess who was sitting outside..

when i randomly pulled over and walked up to them corey shot at me “oh you come around when scottys out of town working..” uhh no? fuck you too asshole.

and then he said “you dont know rikki like i know rikki scottys always going to go back to her.. and she will never stop..”

so i had my pissy fit told him to shut the fuck up hugged ashley and little kelli and left. as i was leaving scotty called me.. we were on the phone for an hour. i didnt realize how much time went by..

we werent arguing but we were not in a happy place talking. i told him what corey said.. and scottys response was “hes jealous like always linda.” he also said “thats what you need to overcome.. like last night in the hotel room you should know i will always protect you you shouldnt be scared and freaked out”

and then.. after he said that i harped on him. “scotty im a girl. im allowed to get scared. im not fuckin mr. tough guy..” and right after i said that.. he corrected himself and apologized not knowing why he went to that.. he was trying to tell me to not let corey put shit into my head about rikki.. he told me he already explained to me last night about how he feels about her.. and he’s with me for several happy reasons.

i could tell he didnt understand why i was being so paranoid and bringing this shit up with him. i told him i wasn’t drunk.. and the MAIN reason why im SO paranoid with him. “scotty the reason im like this now and i let it go in my head is because you and i were awesome.. you spent 100 on our drinks.. well mainly mine.. then two days later.. out of the blue randomly you leave me a voicemail saying you’re done with me”

i talked more about why thats my biggest fear because i told him i couldnt handle that again. i told him i understood the reasons of him leaving to be with rikki to raise his children.. i understand that part.. but he broke my heart he let me down hard by leaving a voicemail..

and it was so weird telling him this because i could actually hear him over the phone listening closely to each word and realizing why i am the way i am after all of this rikki mess.

he told me “im not going back to rikki. and if theres something wrong between you and i where i feel like it isn’t working.. i will let you know right away.”

and that was all i needed..

but really after that night.. he texted me when he got home and i went home.. wednesday i had to work 5 to close.. he was texting me all day.. telling me he wanted me to make him his calzone when i got off work.. so i did. i got off work and was blowing him up for about 3 or 4 hours while i was at work and after. i went to jennys.. and couldnt figure out why he wasnt responding to me..

so i got PARANOID.. once again.. and read rikkis facebook..

i seen she posted pictures and said she was at the hospital with his daughter.. she messed up her foot pretty bad.. and took pictures.. it looked awful.. so i figured.. okay hes with her.. i understand.. she hurt herself. but why couldnt he text me and tell me that?

at 1am he texted me saying he was sorry that he fell asleep on the ride home from jac

kson and i could still come over if i wanted.. so i brought him his food.. and he kissed and hugged me apologizing..

i then realized he didnt know about his daughters foot.. but it wasnt my place to say.. so i stayed out of it.

he told me we would do something thursday.. which was yesterday.

so yesterday is my dads birthday and today is my moms… we planned to go out to eat. so i asked him if i could come see him before i left and he said sure. i came over and sat on his lap.. we watched part of a movie.. then he asked me to take him around my house since his daughter hurt her foot.

i asked him if we were seeing eachother later.. and he said yes.. so i went out to eat then came straight back to him and we went and got adifferent room.

when we got there we were having fun.. and he went to speedway.. when he went to speedway he left his phone.. so i dug.. i dug hard..

my mood shot from her emails “scotty i love you so much.” “i need some daddy dick”

he shown me up.. he swore at her. he repeated hes done.. they argued about who was getting the kids what time. and blah blah blah.

what REALLY set my mood off.. was when she wrote thanks for monday.. k ill leave you be if thats what you want.

i thought to myself.. monday? then i retraced my steps.. he was with me ALL day monday.. bitch is trippin.

she was going on and on obsessing over him.. and asked “when can we spend time together without the kids” and he wrote idk.

most of it was arguing.. so my mood was shot.. but when he came back i told him someone called his phone.. she wrote “u at a hotel?” and he went outside to call her and yell.

he lied to her and told her he was working.. when he told me that i asked him why and he said because shes saying that he should be with his daughter when shes hurt blah blah blah.. i get it. and he was like “she acts like my kid is fuckin dying blah blah blah”

so we had our night we fucked. he got off too fast.. he fell asleep and we had to get up early so i could take him to probation.. he left his phone in my car while he went in.. so i dug deeper..

i kept looking up to see when he was coming out. and i read texts like “its not working out between you and me. go find someone else..” from him to her.. and hers were “im so sorry baby all of this court shit is going on with you. i will always be here for you and never let you down.” and he wrote “you already did. just stop.” and she begged him to go to court with him blah blah blah.

I HATE RIKKI dude.

its sad.

and i kept going farther and farther.. and i was looking up and up for him but didnt see him.. next thing i know hes trying to open the door and caught me going through his phone..

he asked “goin through my shit?” and i quickly shut the phone and gave it back to him saying yes.

he didnt say anything. even though he caught me.. and i didnt bitch about what i read.

i dont know what to think anymore.. my brain is shot.

-L