212. word vomit

well i told scotty. that didnt take long huh?

yesterday at work i was reading through rikkis facebook and found a conversation between mane (his boy) and her. mane was bashing us trying to fuck rikki.

which threw me the ultimatum.. i wanted to tell him to let him know. i felt so shitty. and i couldnt stop thinking.

after that i just wanted to get through days work. which also has some MAJOR MAJOR drama going on. with joe and adam. its getting intense.. and ive noticed for the last three weeks everyone in the store has been dumping information to me. i did my best to keep my mouth shut but adam and natalie (adams girlfriend) kept asking me questions which i answered in the best way possible. im not trying to push joe out, but this guy has seriously fucked shit up around the work place.

i ended up staying late at work. both lana and i stayed and helped. since we got a huge rush by the time we were off. we got free food and i left. i had a missed call from scotty which reminded me of should i or shouldnt i

he told me he was running drugs around and he would call me later.. i told him id be at jrs.

i picked up uncle rich and we left. i called him back because when i drove by jrs lights were off and appeared to be closed. so i picked up rich and right when we were passing jrs the lights came on. so we pulled in.. and i called scotty again telling him that the power was out for a while.

we sat at jrs drinking beers and when keno finally came back on we started playing. we both threw in half on a ten dollar ticket and decided to split the winnings if we won. well we hit $154

while we were screaming and jumping up and down i was trying to get ahold of scotty to see if he was still coming up to meet me. he didnt answer.. so i started to panic.

after winning we cashed out and tried to find weed. we drove to cannons and got some from chewy. then drove back to richards and we drank and smoked.. at two am scotty texted me after i was calling him constantly all night long. he texted me “whats up bay?” and i called him right away shocked.

i dont mean to appear to be a nagging bitch. but i was literally worried sick about him.. the whole night i worried he was in jail since he ALWAYS answers the phone.. it took me 15 minutes to convince him to let me pick him up because i missed him..

he was drunk and i was drunk. so when i got him he was explaining me to calm down and not worry too much. and that i called him 12 times. and i tried explaining that i just didnt know what to think because he told me he would call me. and he didnt.. he told me he wound up at some bar by his house.. which i have no problem with.. he told me he was at home put the phone on the charger and left for a beer.. the bar closed him in with free drinks.. i completely understand that. it happens to me all the time.. he also told me he wanted to be by himself for a little too. i COMPLETELY understand that part.

but when im drinking and he tells me hes going to call and doesnt call. i flip. and he of all people should know that.

then after that conversation.. he told me to text chewy and tell him now or never on the threesome. he clearly was cutting that cord that night. i called chewy while driving.. and told him we were on our way to get him.. then chewy on the phone kept saying yeah yeah yeah he was down.. in the car though.. scotty asked the question.. and chewy backed out. so i dropped him off..

and scotty said no more threesomes.. i told him i was relieved because id rather just be with scotty only anyway. ON the WAY to pick up chewy.. i told him about rikkis facebook.

i broke down and told him how i got the password and that ive been reading.. he appeared to be fine.. but when we got back to richards after chewy backed out.. he told me to show him how to work my phone to her facebook.. so i showed him.

he sat there for an hour reading her messages

i felt so shitty. then he didnt want to sleep at richards cause he knew he would call off to sleep with me. so i drove him home at 4. on the way to his house.. he yelled at me..

i kind of seen that coming because we were at richards when he was reading and when i told him we picked up chewy so i knew shit was stacking up inside him when we would be alone.

he was disappointed.. he told me i should stop reading it and never opened that can of worms.. he seen a different side of rikki. and quickly said he didnt care. and then he brought up me smothering him. i told him i was sorry.. and he told me to stop.

my voice changed after i said something mushy and sad.. and he got more angry with me telling me not to start crying.

i stopped at a red light and i told him i just couldnt keep it from him any longer and i didnt want to hold anything back from him. i know i was trying to save my ass but its the truth.

when we got to his house he hugged and kissed me. i told him to get some sleep.. i could feel how angry he was.

he kept kissing me but they werent intimate at all.

he went to bed.. when i got home i wrote him three text messages telling him id work on it. and how much i love him.. and how much i just want him to be happy.

he didnt text back of course.. when i woke up at 10 this morning i called him.. he didnt answer. i told myself not to call him anymre.. he called me back and said he was running around.. and that he got my texts last night.. so i said okay.. and i let him go.

i wont text him or call him until he calls me.

i feel so crappy. even though were fine. i miss him. i wish i told him while we were sleeping together or something.. id probably feel better..

BLAH

-L