194. karma

so..

after sleeping with joe i had wednesday and thursday off and i returned to work on friday. when i walked in i was high and buzzed off a few brews. my nerves were shot i was too anxious i was tempted to call off.. so i calmed down at my fav bar.

ive been filling people in these details. its been on my mind severely. but anyway.. i walked in and i had completely forgotten my mom had ordered me puma boots online and i was wearing them.. so every one had to see and compliment them because there not used to me being in boots.

joe never does the dishes.. and when i walked in a half hour early.. he came around the corner from doing dishes to see what everyone was talking about.. he looked at me then went straight back to the dishes..

then im helping out work even though im early.. and joe was up for delivery.. adam (the owner) said that joe should give up the delivery since i came in early.. joe didnt even fight.

joe handed me the order and i left.. and came back and he was leaving.. something was wrong with joe.

we didnt talk the entire shift i worked.. because we were super busy and constantly on the road.. the next day i had to work again..

when i walked in joe and i were cutting.. and i finally asked him what the hell was wrong with him.. he said someone hit his car.. i felt so bad.. but i thought it was something else.. maybe even me.. he was talking to me about it.. so he was clearly pissed and upset.

standing quietly next to joe while working just shoves FLASHES in my mind. fuckkk.. the flashes that make your stomach sink to the ground.

a few times becky was looking at me.. in some ways that made me think she knew.. i even thought the owner knew and gave me the delivery on purpose..

but of course im thinking way too deep in to it.. and now that all of this happened.. i feel so weird. like.. really weird. i think about just the sex and the way he talks to me. its almost like he stopped making fun of me.. he stopped joking about me.. like he likes me or something.

im making him a cd hes been asking me for since i got him hooked on my last one that didnt format to my car. so i made an extra cd and didnt know who to give the other cd too.. so i gave it to joe. and he loves it.. same cd is in my car.

i dont know if you guys know but im a music fucking fanatic. i have tattoos of music all over my arm. i jam while i work.. i jam everywhere unless im watching something.. but since i got to know joes personality i started pulling songs from my collection i think he would like.. i know he would like actually.. the problem is.. a lot of them are just flat wrong in our situation since we slept together.

i dont know whats going to happen with joe and i.. but i hope not any of us.. including becky gets hurt. i hope he doesnt crack either. because i can keep secrets down. i shove them down so far im certain that no one will find out.

ive been hangin around matt lately. matt is my buddy i met him when he was sixteen and i took his virginity because im an evil whore. but him and i are pretty close as friends. ive told him everything lately.. and saturday when i was working.. matt went with me through the shift. he stayed in the passenger seat the entire time while i delivered pizza and went to work in the store.

the weird part was.. no one noticed.. no one said anything.. until the end of the night.. when joe delivered he seen matt in my car. and after that delivery joe stopped delivering for a few hours.. i asked matt if he said hi to him and matt said joe never said hi back..

im confused and wish i could talk to joe. but i clearly cant. hes been distant.. yesterday matt and i ordered 80s and joes girlfriend becky asked me to take her home because she was sick. when i asked about joe she said he was at his dads and that hes been really depressed lately.

dont get me wrong if someone hit my car.. id flip a fucking lid.. i just really hope hope hope hope that the sexcapade isnt eating him alive.

why do i have to be such a slut?

next subject. last night i dropped matt off and hung out with dan. dan talked me into it.. that he likes me blah blah blah. and surprisingly i can see myself with him finally.. like im finally coming around.. but after the dates over.. i MISS scotty. and i think of every little tiny memory scotty and i have ever had. over and over again just how happy he made me.

it sucks.

i really wish scotty would grow up. hes let me down so hard.

now dan… and i like joe.. or i think i do.

this is so frustrating all because im an idiot. and homewrecker.

-L