189. collecting

remember dan?

in my head i know this guy will treat me like a queen. i know how much he likes me. but im on and off about the whole thing.

one minute im saying.. fuck scotty.. dan treats me so much better anyway..

the next.. im afraid of going out with dan. while still wondering what scottys doing.. BLAH!

i just dont want to go out with dan.. and then scotty pops up somewhere.. where.. things turn civil.. like last time with mike.. in the end mike fucked me over.. but i wasnt a saint either.. i still snuck around with scotty.

the two nights i spent with scotty before the whole blow out i blew dan off when i had plans with him.. and lied about what i was doing.. and throughout those two nights dan was randomly texting me that he likes me and doesnt understand why he feels the way he feels and that hes confused on how to persue me.

scotty read the text messages and told me to text him back that i really like him too. i asked him why he would tell me to do that.. and he said it was because he could tell i was interested in dan.. and told me it wasnt a big deal to him.

i told scotty that its bullshit he thinks its okay for me to lead someone on like that just because the sex life between scotty and i is further beyond we thought it would go.

i know that the sex life is probably the only thing that kept scotty and i together. i know i will never have that deep of it like i had with him. and for some reason that bothers me. now i feel like im back to being the self conscious me again. where im uncomfortable forever it feels like.

now dan is slowly finding out reasons why im so psycho right now.. and will probably lose interest.

ugh. no one wants me. im sick of it all. my head hurts.

-L